I Share...but my faith is strong

Warning Do not read while eating

I went to Madison Avenue today to get my manometry done. The doc decided to do it in the office so I should not have to wear it for 24 hours.

Yay!

It was the most excruciating experience ever! BOOOOOO!

I would rather go through labor pains than go through what I went through today. I was told to get into the ever flattering hospital gown and get as comfortable as I could. I sat back and got comfy...whatever.

I was given a green stress ball and told to squeeze on it if I felt pain. An image of Civil War soldiers flashed before my eyes. I felt like I was being asked to bite on a piece of wood while my leg was to be amputated.

Okay, slight exaggeration.

I wondered if a shot of whiskey would follow.

The green ball was squeezed to death but what I really wanted to do was throw it at my doctor. That would have helped.

I was told I would be given Novocaine to numb me.

Goodie!

It didn't take.

Then a six inch (I kid you not) Q-tip smeared with said Novocaine was inserted into my nostrils over and over again until the numbing took effect. You would think with the huge nostrils I have that it wouldn't hurt, that it would be smooth sailing but it was not. Tears were streaming from my eyes. I tried to bear it.

Then the doc gave me a four ounce cup of water with a straw and told me to hold it while at the same time holding the useless green ball and staring straight ahead.

"Try not to wince or squish your face."

Really?

Are you serious?

After the supposed numbing effect took in... the real pain began.

A thick cable was inserted into my nose slowly and "mercifully" but it still hurt like heck. I felt it in my throat before I knew it. Then I was told not too swallow but occasionally I needed to and it hurt like heck. It felt like what I imagined a sword swallower would feel if the illusion was real. The doctor jiggled the cable slowly and took recordings. Numbers were called out and keys were punched into a computer. Then there was the tease, when, at times, they pulled the cable back a tiny bit only to push it further in. I was told to take a sip of the water and I gagged,then ....ready?

I threw up on my doctor.

Now I'm in pain and embarrassed. The doctor reassured me that it was okay. These things happen. I was told to take another sip and threw up again this time catching it with the hem of my hospital gown. I was resourceful but I was still embarrassed. Then The doctor took out a huge syringe filled with salt water and told me to swallow once and that did it. I threw up so badly and all over the place.I cried and did something I have never done before in my long history as a patient. I screamed for them to stop.

"Take it out!"

Hubby was in the waiting room so he didn't see any of this.

Thank God.

The doctor and his assistant removed the scope and apologized. They said they could imagine how difficult it must be especially because of the achalasia. Then I sobbed so badly. There was barf all over me, my face looked like crap as my mascara and makeup smeared. They told me it was over with such pity.

I wanted to kill them even if they were just doing there jobs. They left me alone to get dressed and I removed the soaked hospital gown and placed it in the bin provided for soiled linen. My jeans were wet with whatever leaked through the gown. I took the darn green ball and threw it in the linen bin too. Then, I noticed that the green ball had these words stamped on it; "This doesn't relieve stress"

I wanted to say no kidding Sherlock.

I couldn't stop crying and cringed at the thought of walking into the waiting room and giving my copay looking the way I did . When I walked out. Hubby's face said it all and then I sobbed and said, "I threw up" the receptionist said "Aw..that's okay. it happens Then I had to walk along Madison avenue East seventies with wet jeans and I couldn't stop sobbing. Then hubby asked if I was hungry and if wanted to go to the park. I almost laughed if I wasn't so angry and in pain. I told him I couldn't eat because my throat was sore!!!!!

We drove home

Body Image

Unfortunately there are many evil things in this world. Fortunately there is, I believe more good in this world as well, but I have reached my limit with this nation’s obsession of how a woman should look. The worst thing of all is that most of the criticism, bashing, meanness, vanity bullying, superficial crud comes from women themselves. We are our worst enemies. The mania of a woman’s appearance has reached an ungodly,sick and perverted level and regrettably this fixation has seeped into our homes, schools, cultures and even our churches.
When I was younger and my disease was at its peak I weighed a mere seventy pounds. My eyes bulged, my clavicle protruded, I looked like an anorexic. People would come up to me all the time and say; “You’re too skinny, eat something, put some meat on those bones.” When I got better I was told that I was getting fat too fast (a result of my disease messing up my metabolism) Then I got sick again and lost fifty pounds and the comments ran the spectrum, “You look great, you look sick, you can’t be sick, you’re still fat.” Every one of these comments were made by women. A man has never commented on my weight, a boy has never commented on my appearance unless it was positive. I believe men don’t think about that as much as women think they do. Women, what are we doing to ourselves? What are we doing to each other? This is scary crud. What are we thinking!? The fascination over a women’s exterior has erupted to an uncontrollable level.
This is our nation’s/world’s idea of the perfect woman. The perfect woman has perfect hair, doesn’t wear glasses, her teeth are so blindingly white that they can be used as illumination in a blackout situation. Their skin is perfectly tanned, Their abs are flat, Their breast are perfectly round and perky, their hips are not too big and not too small, They are perfectly manicured, shaven and dress with as minimal amount of clothing as the law allows. Their clothes are designer fashion, their shoes are Manolo Blahnik. If their handbags are a Vuitton, they call it by its first name, “Let me get Louis” (Louis Vuitton is a designer of very expensive handbags ranging from the hundreds to thousands of dollars a bag) Coach, Jimmy Chu, Donna Karan, and Hermes should be in her vernacular and in her closet. She doesn’t eat. She never gets sick. She doesn’t sweat (There are actually injections that woman are taking to eliminate perspiration, it last for a couple of weeks and then sweat returns) they can’t age gracefully because a wrinkle is doom. They are perfectly made up with the best cosmetics and tweeze their eyebrows to perfection and if they don’t want to menstruate they can take a shot that will relieve that and they only have to deal with the inconvenience of menstruating twice a year. In my opinion this is unnatural and dangerous. They don’t have gray hair and they don’t take public transportation.
Let’s examine some of the great women in this world who have accomplished and achieved monumental feats in the political arena, entertainment, journalism and much more. These are some who don’t qualify as what the world considers beautiful and who the world considers far from being the perfect woman. Ruth Graham,Sally Ride, Hilary Clinton, Rosa Parks, Sandi Patty, Aretha Franklin, Antonia C. Novello, Golda Meir, Coretta Scott King, Kate Smith, Oprah Winfrey, Kathy Bates,Janis Joplin, Mama Cass.
Any woman in a Ruben painting would be considered morbidly obese and at that time they were considered beautiful. I would have been a supermodel in the eighteenth century!
If you had to choose your own eulogy, how would you like to be remembered? Would you pick, “She was beautiful and perfectly coordinated, her accessories were appropriate for every outfit she wore. Her face was flawless; her smile was brightly lit with perfect teeth. She could run in stilettos, not that she needed to run, that would be so not lady like. She hardly ate because eating was extremely unnecessary for her and she valued her body and looks more than anything in the world. Her reason to live and dress in the morning was to please others and she lived to look good and to avoid the criticisms of others on her appearance. She didn’t read because that took too much of her time and she didn’t paint because it was too messy. You get the point.

Or would you rather people say this at your funeral;

She was a woman of substance. She loved others and she was kind. She gave to her community. She had integrity. She was not superficial. She was intelligent and contributed much to this world. She was approachable. She gave to others and she never expected anything back in return.This blog is long and I went on more than I thought I would but I’ve had it and when the next person comments on my appearance, I will make sure as delicately as I can ,to give them a piece of my mind because it is offensive. As a woman I will consider it my responsibility to teach other woman how to treat me and themselves and how to value a woman's heart and soul and not their outward appearance.

Distractions

Monday, January 14, 2008

Distractions
I love to hear the tires of a car break through the wet road. My window shades are not exposing any outside view because it is only eight- fifty two in the morning and I have not fully risen for the day. The rythmic rubber on the wet road sound continues as a steady flow of traffic passes by my window. I dont have to see the vehicles to know which ones are driving past. The bus is the noisiest of all. I can hear the entire vehicular giant making noise with it's entire body, surprisingly, the trucks that drive through are much quieter but still sound heavier than the SUV or compact car. The rain and consistency of automobile sounds can never drown out the obnoxious steady, muffled and yet still loud enough to hear, beat of music behind the car windows of a youthful, wannabe bad a*s behind the wheel of his used but pimped up ride. A driver who prefers to drown out the pleasant relaxing sounds of nature for the artificial sounds coming out of his or her radio which sometimes include obscenities isnt very thoughtful. This is as confusing to me as watching a DVD in the backseat of a car. The car should be the tool that takes you out from indoors to your surroundings outside, so you can take it all in. It always amazes me how people choose to distract themselves from their everyday life. It is a constant steady stream of diversion that redirects our thoughts to the mundane or to the overwhelming circumstances we find hard to deal with in our lives. The interferances of others or ourselves help to make it easier for us not to have to confront any discomfort or heartbreaking situations that need to eventually be challenged,faced.The teen on the bus who clearly would rather the world around her hear her cell phone conversation about who kissed who and who wore what than to be quiet and possibly, unwillingly, display how insecure she really is. It would be difficult for that teen to sit quietly on a bus and likely expose her insecurities. Speaking on her cell phone helps when she can not don her best poker face. It is useful when she can't disguise how truly lonely, worried, scared or sad she really is. It's a distraction for the person on the cell phone and a distraction to those around her, it purposely disturbs any speculation the audience surrounding the caller may have about the teen herself and instead shifts any personal thought to a curiosity of the conversation or an annoyance of having to involuntarily be exposed to youthful gab and gossip. It is a distraction for her and a distraction for those around her. There are so many other ways to deflect from facing our everyday lives, other than the blasting car radio and the loud cell phone conversations. As human beings we have found numerous ways in which to sway our thoughts on our responsibilities, challenges and fears. There is the internet, email, blackberries, ipods and TV, just to name a few. The constant need to avoid, to veer off what we need to face is, I suppose, normal or rather commonplace but has this demand for distraction made us better or worse? Does the urge to ignore everyday life make us less worrisome and instead more equipped to confront our life situations? This morning, the first thing that was on my mind after waking from a sound sleep was that I had an appointment with my cardiologist. Today I will have a Holter Monitor put on and I will be shot up with persantine(sp?). So, what is the first thing I do. I distract myself. I don't want to face yet another test, so, after waking I brush my teeth and wash my face. The thought is still there. So I'll go back to bed and read my book but after a chapter my worries return. I close the book and listen to the outside sounds and I begin to get distracted. But there is still a sliver of concern lingering in my brain. I can't have that, so I grab my laptop and write about what I hear but the subject of external noise slowly becomes writing about my thoughts on distraction which then brings me back to my worry. The negative part of distraction is that it is temporary, sooner or later, obligated or mandatory, life is waiting to be faced. So, no matter how many tools of diversion you possess, you'll have to approach life head on, no distractions.The only thing that should distract me from worry is handing all my cares to God, who is in control , so really, there is no need to worry and thus no need for toy distractions.

Therefore, I will fix my eyes to the Father above knowing that with Him, nothing is impossible and I will cast my burdens over to Him.