Reflections of a Pastor's Wife

Night Song

2011-03-12T21:12:00.000-08:00

It's quiet now.I can hear the cars driving past my window, and a motorcycle roaring in the distance. The cars pass by every few seconds,almost creating a rhythmic traffic. There is a hum in the air, emanating from a multitude of city sounds that meld into one constant, a familiarity that I have become accustomed to,without which,it would be very difficult for me to sleep. It's my personal lullaby. I suppose everyone has one, that frequent, repetitive sound familiar only to them. The surrounding sounds that lull them to sleep, it can be the sound of crickets chirping or waves lapping against the shore,perhaps a cat purring in his sleep on their window sill, all known sounds issuing forth from a number of comforting sources. It is almost spiritual. It creates a pleasurable ease in which we can drift into slumber.
It is late and I should be sleeping,instead I am writing. My husband is reading scripture on the bed and studying. I can hear the side of his hand brushing against the sheet of paper on his legal pad, with every thought he pens.
The neighbors are all asleep or away,I presume. I can't hear my elderly neighbor's loud television set. Usually at this hour I can hear the muffled sounds of the newscast through my walls,part of the nightly orchestral arrangement that forms the soothing refrain of my lullaby.
I have a lot on my mind. I always do.I suffer from what I call "Busy Brain". It's when my thoughts race through my mind at mach speed traveling from different locations, and heading towards an unknown destination. There is no point A to point B thoughts,instead there is chaos. There is no order to the thoughts in my brain and why should there be? It is no holds barred territory,no restrictions,no traffic cop to direct which thoughts should go where, which should be taken seriously,which should be discarded, which should be addressed right away, which should be hidden forever. The confusion and unorganized thoughts are further reasoning for the necessity of my personal cradle song. I have become reliant on it and therefore depend on the unchanging nature of my surroundings to remain the same and for my busy thoughts to be whisked off to who knows where. Once the unpredictable state of confusion is non-existent, there is freedom and I can be rescued from the ensuing chaos and avert catastrophic results and peacefully listen to my nightly song and drift away to dream, peaceful dreams.

Not The Same

2011-03-04T21:08:00.000-08:00

There are things happening to me that have recently made me want to stop writing and it has been very difficult for me. My mind does not work the way it used to and it could be the neurodegenerative nature of my disease that is causing my mental deterioration. Neurodegeneration is the umbrella term for the progressive loss of structure or function of neurons, including death of neurons. Many neurodegenerative diseases including Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, and Huntington’s occur as a result of neurodegenerative processes. ...
There is research that achalasia can affect the brain and I can feel a deterioration and know that based on my behavior, responses, and comprehension.Lately I can hear a person,do my best to listen and still not get all the information necessary to participate in response to the person speaking to me.
I've written and have gone back to check my work only to find that I have made several errors in grammar and in spelling of words I used to know. I enjoyed writing and enjoyed an intellectual conversation and have felt in the past that I could carry on in conversation with others without the words getting past me.I write this now, knowing that I may not be making much sense but will continue as I would like to explain what is happening to me before or if I were to lose all lucidity and can not make my thoughts clear.
It is frustrating at times and at times i am so overwhelmed with gladness that God has gotten me through another day.
This is part of my life and illness that I can understand. God has been more than generous with His grace and like Paul, it is sufficient but how do I explain this to members of the congregation who speak to me and my genuine concern is clouded by my lack of full comprehension or difficulty in responding clearly.
This has caused me to socialize a lot less. I leave my home once a week to go to church on Sundays and when I go out for more than once a week I am overwhelmed by my surroundings.Too much stimuli.It is difficult for me to walk or make decisions or respond to questions. My sense of direction is gone and I need to hold on to my husbands hands as he weaves through the aisles of a department store or a busy city street.
Imagine trying to work on something that needs a good amount of concentration in the middle of an amusement park. That is how it feels. Does that make sense? Too much going on around me to let anything sink in.
I have lost friends because I did not want them to see me this way and when I wanted to meet up with them I became overwhelmed with anxiety and cancelled or avoided them.
My faith has not waivered and I know that there is nothing impossible for God and I can be divinely healed but in the meantime as I wait for my healing, take my meds and see my doctors it is still very hard for me to take everything around me in.
I write a paragraph and will re read it several times before tapping "enter". I have deleted and backspaced so many times during my writing but I cannot delete or backspace when i am speaking to someone who needs attention and care and I say the wrong thing.
This is extrememly difficult for me since I used to be quick witted and able to join in any conversation. It makes me sad but I am not holding it against anyone or blaming anyone or feeling like it's unfair. I've had a good run with something that should have destroyed me years ago. I don't expect anyone to understand the secondary conditions of my disease, I don't expect them to get the fact that i've had it for years and those who are newly diagnosed will not be experiencing these changes for years to come.Hopefully by then there will be a cure.
Just wanted to put it out there because it seems I'm slipping a bit more.
Be Blesses,pray for me and know that God will see me through this

Rise! Are You Still Sleeping?

2011-01-13T21:52:00.000-08:00

Earlier today, my younger sister was speaking to me about how she was reflecting on the Garden of Gethsemene and how she read about Jesus crying when He prayed, just before being whisked off to His death.
Tonight I sat to continue my nightly Bible reading when lo and behold I was on the very chapter my sister was talking about this morning.(Matthew 26: 36-46)I think someone is trying to tell me something.
I begin reading and notice little things like the fact that the Lord's last supper was in the home of a man who remained anonymous and a home that Jesus requested specifically.I wondered why this man's name was not mentioned and why God chose to have the last supper at that particular home. I continue to read. The Last supper was on Passover. Jesus says He will not drink from the fruit of that vine again until the day when He drinks it anew with US in His Fathers Kingdom! I start to reflect on His return and us living eternally with Him in Heaven.I think of how I am so grateful for the sacrifice and my salvation which was graciously given to me so that I can have eternal life with The Father.
After the supper they sing a hymn.I wonder which Hymn they sang. What were the lyrics of the hymn? After they sang they all went to the Mount of Olives.
I read that in the very night of the Lord's supper,our Savior is very sad. He is filled with sorrow. The Bible says unto death. He is in anguish. In this anguish He sadly asked the disciples to stay and watch with Him. Then He turned, walked a few steps, fell on His face and prayed.He prays,"If it is possible let this cup pass from me but Your will be done,not mine" After this prayer He rises to His feet, turns to the disciples and sees that after He asked them to stay and watch with Him, they were asleep. I read this and wince. The audacity is unbelievable. "What!"
He says, note the exclamation point."Could you have not watched with me for an hour? "Watch and pray" He tells them. "Watch and pray", He tells us, but we are asleep. How audacious of us. How unbelievable, that after specific instructions from Him, we dare to disregard His words and sleep. "The spirit is willing, the flesh is weak." He tells the disciples. He tells us. This was the first time He prayed... that very night, a very short time after He turns from the disciples and prays again and says the very same thing "If it is possible let this cup pass from me.Your will be done, not mine." He rises,turns toward the disciples and finds them asleep... again! They heard His words, they heard his request and chose to ignore Him and because their flesh was weak, they fell asleep.
So He left them prayed the same prayer once again. Three times He prayed that prayer. I read this and my heart is broken for the anguish and loneliness He must have felt.
After He prays the third time, He returns to the disciples and asks, " Are you still sleeping and resting?" He tells them "The hour is at hand and the Son of Man is being betrayed into the hands of sinners." He tells them, "Rise (wake up) let us be going. See My betrayer is at hand.
Are we asleep? The Lord is trying to wake us up. The hour is at hand. The sinners are betraying Him, Today they mock Him, slander Him, blaspheme against Him and we sleep when He is asking us to watch. He tells us to watch and pray but our fleshly desires drive us to sleep. There is no time to rest or sleep. It is time to watch and pray.Do not disregard Him.

2011-01-13T09:12:00.000-08:00

Once again I have slacked in my blogging but my friend Tessa started a blog and got me interested once again in writing...so hopefully it'll stick this time.Once upon a time I loved writing but after rejection, I was traumatized. Funny,I always thought I could take rejection but I guess I can't. This is something I am not pleased with and will ask the Lord to help me through in the meantime, here's hoping I get my writing going again. Stay tuned

God Has Not Given Us A Spirit Of Fear

2010-04-29T05:36:00.000-07:00

We hear it all the time, the verse found in 2 Timothy 1:7
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND."

Yet we can't help it can we? When it's fight or flight, most of us flee. Don't get me wrong, there are circumstances in which fleeing is the best option. If there is a fire you can't fight that fire all on your own but you can flee from it and call the firefighters to fight it for you. This is a good fear, a healthy and a rational fear.
We all have our fears, some people fear flying, others fear speaking in front of a large group of people. There are many types of fear. I can speak in front of a large group of people effortlessly, but don't put me in front of a small group of people because I may freeze.
Travel back in time and remember when your fear was at it's peak. Most of us will go back to our childhood and those old familiar fears we all have shared one time or another. A fear so intense it paralyzed us. The monsters in the closet or for some under their beds.
I remember as a child I had a terrible fear of the dark. I mean this was a fear that had me wide eyed, scanning a dark room and seeing monster shapes caused by the manner in which my sweater hung loosely, over my bedroom chair. I remember my heart beating so hard I thought it would burst. And if I wasn't looking around the room searching for non existent ogres and werewolves, I was hiding under the covers because as we all know, monsters do not have any strength and are rendered helpless over 100 percent cotton sheets.
As that little girl, I'd shut my eyes tightly and pray to God in a small whisper, so the monsters couldn't hear me. I prayed this way,tucked in,tightly snug in my sheets,invisible, not even a pinkie toe revealed, sweating, but leaving a small gap around my nose for air until I drifted off to sleep. Only to awaken in a safe, brightly lit room, sheets torn away from my body during the course of the night, totally exposed for anything horrifying to attack me. I survived yet another night of hidden monsters waiting to pounce on me in my sleep. As we all know the monsters disappear during the daytime so there was nothing to fear once the sun rose. When I look back now, I can see the silliness in this illogical anxiety.
As adults many of us have found ourselves in that familiar atmosphere of all-consuming fear. We wished we had super power sheets to serve as shields of protection but we don't.
We are older now and we are much more aware of a living God who is our protector and we are also aware that there might actually be monsters in our bedroom.

There is a spiritual warfare we have to fight. There are powers and principalities. There are real evils in this world who want nothing more than to destroy us and give us that spirit of fear.

Ephesians 6:12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

The evil before us may not always be tangible. It may be elusive, invisible or vague but the presence of it can definitely be felt,especially by one who has the Holy Spirit dwelling in them. This Holy Spirit was given to us as a resource, a tool, a guide, a teacher, a helper. This is the Spirit that can overcome the spirit of fear.

POWER
The spirit of fear is a dreadfulness that can cause us to become ineffective Christians. Christians tightly wrapped inside of our "insecurity blankets" filled with terror. This is unnecessary, because God has not given us a spirit of fear so we do not have to live our lives anxiously awaiting the next assault from evil,God has given us power.

What does that mean? What does that entail? Does it include superhero strength?
Of course not because we all know that superhero strength can only be obtained by falling into a vat of some kind of toxic goo. I am kidding.
The power that God gives us surpasses that of any superhero, if superheroes existed, and we all know that they do not.
It may be hard to wrap our limited minds around it but God has given us a power like no other.
In the words of S.Charnock,"God’s power is like Himself: infinite, eternal, incomprehensible; it can neither be checked, restrained, nor frustrated by the creature."

Being mere humans we may speak often and yet fail to be heard. God speaks but once and the thunder of His power can be heard everywhere.

"The Lord also thundered from the heavens, and the Most High uttered His voice, amid hailstones and coals of fire. And He sent out His arrows and scattered them; and He flashed forth lightnings and put them to rout. Then the beds of the sea appeared and the foundations of the world were laid bare at Your rebuke, O Lord, at the blast of the breath of Your nostrils." Psalm 18:13-15

I praise my awesome God. If God is capable of that, why wouldn't He be able to abolish that spirit of fear and give us power to rid the pesky evils that attempt to make our lives and walk with God ineffective.

LOVE

He's given us love and God's love is uninfluenced. By this we mean, there was nothing whatsoever in the objects of His love to call it into being, nothing to attract or prompt it. The love which one has for another is because of something in them; but the love of God is free, spontaneous, un-caused. Nothing caused it to being. The only reason why God loves any is found in His own sovereign will.

"The most extensive ideas that a finite mind can frame about Divine love, are infinitely below its true nature. The heaven is not so far above the earth as the goodness of God is beyond the most raised conceptions which we are able to form of it. It is an ocean which swells higher than all the mountains of opposition in such as are the objects of it. It is a fountain from which flows all necessary good to all those who are interested in it (John Brine, 1743)."

The love that God has given to us defeats the spirit of fear.
Romans 8:35-39 Paul writes, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

The Spirit of love that God give us conquers all evil and so the spirit of fear is diminished by God's love and His power. These attributes of God can defeat anything.

SOUND MIND

Finally there is the sound mind given by God that can help us to be conquerors and victorious over the enemy.

"And be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God's And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Romans 12:2

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard you hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7

The power over the Spirit of fear is God's power, His love and a sound mind obtained by keeping ourselves in check and maintaining a fresh mental and spiritual attitude. I often take time to analyze myself spiritually just to make sure everything is in order, and according to God's will. If something is out of place it just leaves a door open for evil to step in and try to get a hold, to make us afraid and live in fear that is not of God.

So poke your head out of the sheets and sleep restfully and fearlessly knowing God is in control. Be courageous and brave. Keep your head high in confidence because the very Creator of the universe, the Author of your life has got you "covered"

2010-01-21T12:37:00.000-08:00

There are times in my life when I just can't think too much about what I am going to write because then it will never happen. As you can see I haven't written in a while because I am thinking too much.
I recently submitted some of my writing and was rejected and so after crying for a few days and hearing over and over about how, "It happens to all writers,Don't give up and even the best authors in the world have been rejected" I have decided to write again. Keep in mind that my blogging does not, but may include some intense thoughts and mind-changing content but, don't expect Tolstoy, Cervantes or Proust.
I promised a few blog posts ago to do some video blogging and haven't done so ...yet.
Video blogging may be more convenient and I still do intend to video blog, eventually. It's just that I find writing to be more satisfying and less high maintenance. I mean, after all, I am to vain to appear on a video blog in curlers, a robe with my morning cup of coffee in my hand, which is unfortunate because some of my best writing ideas and deep thoughts are conceived at that time. I can be very existential and quite humorous during those early hours. But I am also quite drowsy and not a morning person so that writing would not be an option for me. I'm more the type to turn on the TV and kvetch about the opinions of The View girls and then I will pray and ask God to forgive me for my anger and impatience after ranting my disagreements at the television screen. God is extremely merciful with me, but I cannot take advantage of His grace.
So once again, I ask my readers, that's right, all five of you, to be on the look out for new posts and possibly new video blogging. Maybe I'll start tomorrow....maybe.

I Love You Lord...

2009-12-08T07:24:00.000-08:00

The music in church today is beautiful. The congregants are singing worship to the Lord. I feel His presence in a mighty way in this place. I am home. It is Sunday. The family is gathered together, all my brothers and sisters in Christ, and we are visiting our Father's house. How blessed I am! I love the Lord so much, so much so that there are no words to describe my love for Him.

Being here among Brethren, soothes me. It's a beautiful time. There are moments of great blessing and one of those moments I treasure is the moment that the church service comes to that pleasant pause, when we are all in one accord and of one mindset. When we are all just worshipping Him and everything around us fades.

It's that point, that time and place, when we are so thankful and feel so loved that it's as if we are floating on air and we are right before His very throne. The pews are gone, the other worshippers praises fade, and it's just you and God.

How wonderful! During this time, I often sing this song that best describes how I feel in those very moments of worshipping pause. I don't remember who sings it but I hear it often playing on my hubby's laptop.

"I love You Lord,
And I lift my voice.
To worship You, O my soul rejoice
Take joy my King
In what You hear
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
In Your Ear

I love you Lord
I love You, love You Lord
I love You Lord because You first loved me..."

I love my Lord so much, that whenever I do what is not right, I ache at the thought that I have disappointed Him.

Paul says in Romans seven, verse fifteen.."I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

I want to live for Christ, but like Paul and many others I am stumped when I do what I don't want to do. When I hurt The Lord, when I don't want to hurt Him but what I want to do is live one hundred percent for Christ and yet I don't.

How can I still say, "I love you Lord"? Well, because He STILL loves me, He is ever faithful, even when I am not.

He is merciful and lovingly kind, so much so, that when I come to Him with a pure and sincere heart, a heart in genuine anguish for disappointing Him, and ask for His forgiveness, yet again, He allows me to be at His feet and ask for forgiveness and receive it, receive it with a love that is pure, perfect, a love like no other.

"I love You Lord, and I lift my voice..."

I lift my voice in praise to Him, I lift my voice to glorify Him, I lift my voice to cry out for His forgiveness, a forgiveness so willingly given when the remorse is sincere. I lift my voice and cry tears of joy because of His love for me and the gift of salvation and because one day I will see Him face to face. I lift my voice and praise Him because I know He is waiting for me and preparing a place for me.

In John chapter fourteen and verse two, Jesus, my savior, says, "In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you.

"...To worship You, o my soul rejoice,"

My soul is filled with joy when I worship Him. I rejoice in Him and in all that He is.

"...Take joy my King, in what You hear,"

Every praise I offer to Him, every song that I sing for Him, every word that I speak for Him, every phrase that I write down for Him, I truly desire for it to bring Him, Him, Him, JOY! It's all about Him. It's all about me pleasing Him, loving Him, worshipping Him. glorifying Him. I want Him to be happy with everything He hears coming out of my mouth and written down by my hand. Take joy, my King, in What You hear, and let it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear."

I love You Lord

My Peace I Give Unto You

2009-12-07T13:20:00.000-08:00

I have been dealing with this disease for so long and I marvel at God's wonderful presence throughout my journey with achalasia. God has sustained me when many who I have been privelaged to meet, who have this disease, have gone. I've had it since birth and recently stopped working because it became debilitating, I'm pretty sure I've shared this before but things got so bad that My hubby put his ministry on hold for a few years to care for me.
Well, we are back and having a great time working for God and fellowshipping with the congregation and nurturing and loving them.
Yesterday was rough (healthwise) and a bit scary. Something is off. I can feel a change coming. My body is weaker.
While praying this afternoon The Lord let me know that if He chooses for this to be the beginning of the end or if He chooses to continue to sustain me, He will give me peace. And boy did He ever. I, immediately was flooded in His presence and His peace. Instantly!
If and when I do get weaker, please know that God has not left my side and I am holding on tightly to Him. I've been more than blessed to have gotten this far and will be more than blessed, if the trip, (my life), is extended.
Let this posting be of hope that when and if you ever have a situation in your life, calling out to God will give you peace.

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

"Jesus hold me now
I need to feel you in this place
I long for your embrace" ~ Casting Crowns

Karyn Henly

2009-12-01T06:03:00.000-08:00

" I'm convinced the more we become like Jesus and raise our children to be like Jesus, the better influence we'll be in our community, country, and the world" ~Karyn Henley - Woman's Life Bible

Karyn Henly's Blog- http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/profile.php?id=505960028&ref=ts

Walking with God

2009-11-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

I love God. I know that and so does He. I don't think I say to people," I love God" enough. I realized this when I spoke with two members of the congregation yesterday. It was after Sunday School. The lesson was about being Holy. The teacher asked, "What motivates you to be holy?" He answered, "Personally what motivates me, is that I want to please God." Someone else replied that they want to be holy because they want God to know He is appreciated.

I thought to myself., "I want to be holy (separated for Christ) because I just plain out love Him. I want to be with Him. I want to walk with Him, live for Him, talk to him,etc.
After the lesson we spoke in the church "cafeteria" about why we are holy and one brother said, "It all boils down to love. The Lord says, " ...You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." He was quoting Matthew 22:37. He went on to say if you love the Lord you will be holy.

At that point. I forgot where I was. I looked away from Him and, seriously as we walked up to the sanctuary, I dreamily said, "I Love God." I said it out loud. I don't think I ever said it that way to anyone before. I said it with the deepest , most genuine sincerity and meant it with every fiber of my being.

I want to walk with God. I want to be in a constant communion with Him just because He is so wonderful. He is so merciful. His loving kindness is everlasting and His mercy endures forever. He is always faithful and I want to walk with Him because He will show me the way.

He created me for Him and I want to live for Him. Simple? No? If anyone of us thinks this isn't so simple, well, then WE should question what is distracting us from a constant communion/walk with God, cause, NOTHING should be getting in our way from walking with Him, ALL the time 24/7. Nothing, unless we allow it to.

Video Blogging

2009-10-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

I will be attempting to video blog soon. :) on this blog

The Woman at the Well

2009-09-11T21:20:00.000-07:00

I was reading the book of John chapter four, the story of the woman at the well, a story I've read many times before and noticed for the first time how the story offers two perspectives on salvation. It offers a viewpoint of the person offering the salvation and the side of the person receiving it. The Savior and the soon to be saved.

The story goes that Jesus was leaving Judea and on his way to Galilee, in an effort to avoid the disputes among the Pharisees going on in Judea about His ministry. To get to Galilee Jesus needed to go through Samaria. This would be all well and good except for the fact that Jews and Samaritans did not get along. Jews considered Samaritans a mixed breed and therefore they were looked upon as Gentiles and not real Jews. The Samaritans also worshipped other gods and did many atrocious things.

But this place, Samaria, is where Jesus needed to travel through.

Jesus takes a break from His journey to Galilee and stops in, of all places, Samaria. Not only does He need to go through it but now He STOPS!

In the story, it is late afternoon. We find Jesus sitting by Jacob's well and He is alone because the Disciples went into the city to buy food. Then a woman approaches the well. She begins to draw water from it when Jesus asks her for a drink of water. She immediately recognizes Jesus as a Jew and wonders why He wanted a drink from her, a Samaritan, a woman.

Here is where the story reveals an opportunity, a window, into both sides of salvation.

First let us observe the perspective of the soon to be saved Samaritan woman and while we do let's try to remember who we were and how we felt before we were saved.

As the story of the woman at the well unfolds we discover that she was a woman of ill repute. A woman who had five husbands and the man she was with now was a married man. She was in adultery. We also discover, as we read on, that she feels remorseful and ashamed. It is never written but it is picked up in the exchange between her and Jesus. She knew the life in which she was living was wrong.

How do we know that she was ashamed?

Simple, it was late afternoon when she went to draw water from the well.

It was customary for the women to draw water early in the morning while the weather was still cool. There would be no one by the well in the late afternoon, in the heat of the day. She knew this. She avoided the crowd of women by the well earlier because she was ashamed and afraid of being ostracized. She would not take the chance. She did not want to risk the stares, the name calling, the whispers , the judgement and the rejection. So she waited until the "coast was clear" and no one was around.

Can you imagine how she must have felt?

She was not a woman who flaunted her sin. She was very mortified. She was depressed.

Do you remember how you felt before you were saved?

Perhaps you were depressed, in search of a better way of life, embarrassed of your lifestyle, looking for something to fill that empty void in your life, remorseful for the things you had done that were not pleasing to God, feeling guilty and ashamed.

It is a good thing to look back every so often and remember who we were before we were saved and what it felt like. In this way we are not so quick to judge others who are not saved, so harshly, because not too long ago we were in the same place.

We were like the woman at the well but God, as always has perfect timing. Just like the woman, God placed us, in the right place at the right time so He could show us His grace, kindness ,love and compassionate mercy so that we may be saved.

Now let us look at the point of view of the one who offers salvation.

Here, we find Jesus, the Messiah, at this time and place by the well in Samaria. He is tired, as anyone would be after a long journey. He needs rest. The disciples were off getting food for Jesus and we read here that He asked for water.

He was tired, hungry and thirsty. But he knew He had to be there at that time at that place and He did not let His discomfort stop Him from showing sincere compassion, kindness and revealing salvation to a lost soul.

After being saved ourselves, have we let our personal discomfort get in the way of ministering to the needs of others with sincere compassion and kindness?

Jesus knew the woman was a Samaritan, yet He spoke to her kindly.
He sat there and when she approached, He didn't get up and leave, instead He asked for water. He spoke to her as if she were any other person in need.

Three reasons why someone would think this was not a good idea (they’d be wrong) but some people back then and perhaps now think...1. Why is Jesus talking to her, she is a woman? 2. She is a Samaritan and... 3. She is in adultery.

But Jesus saw none of that. He saw a sad and lost soul in need of salvation.

He had no favoritism. Look at the message He brought to her.

The mere fact that He struck up a conversation with her, let her see that she was significant and valued enough to be spoken to. He was not acting as if He needed to do her a favor. He did not treat her as if she were garbage. He did not look at her as if she was lower than Him AND He did not insult her intelligence when He spoke to her deep, spiritual truths.

Jesus looked beyond her exterior and saw her spiritual hunger. And He valued her even though He knew her failings.

Later in the chapter we will see how she admitted to her adultery. She was honest and owned up to her sin. She acknowledged it and yet He still valued her.

Like Jesus, we need to offer salvation to the lost sinner with kindness, without judgment without demeaning the person or without thinking we are better than they are.

Remember where you were then and remember who you are now.

There but for the grace of God, go I.

At one time we were at the receiving end like the woman at the well and now many of us are at the giving end, offering salvation , like Jesus.

Two experiences. Two perspectives.

Talk About Patience

2009-07-25T14:31:00.000-07:00

I was reading the Book of Genesis today and was struck by Abraham and Sarah's story. I've read it a million times but you know how it is. There is always something new in God's Word. I read how God promises Abraham that he will have a son and that Sarah will give birth to the son and if you do your math, you'll realize that it took twenty five years for that promise to be fulfilled. Twenty five years!! The Bible doesn't record any times of doubt or giving up on Abraham and Sarah's part during those years. This does not include the initial statement of promise, when Sarah laughed and doubted.
It just amazes me, how God's timing is perfect and if He says He is going to do something He will. God doesn't break promises. So when you start to doubt and think that God forgot you, remember this story. I sure will.

Erm...

2009-06-14T04:10:00.000-07:00

I was brought up in church. I am a very observant person and as a child I mimicked everything I heard and saw. People fascinated me. They still do. I loved watching and listening to people then and I love to watch and listen to people now.

I remember listening to the prayers of the adults around me and thinking, "Wow, those are some fancy words." and "One day, when I'm older I will be just as fancy shmancy with my prayers."

The prayers of the adults around me, almost always began, "Padre Altisimo, Que estas en los Cielos", translated, "Most High Father who dwells in the Heavens." That was just the beginning, the intro , the salutation. Can you imagine the rest of the prayer. I can tell you that it became more fancy as it went on.

I assumed, of course that eventually my prayers will become effortless and fluid and flow out of my mouth with ease and eloquence but I was wrong.

As I got older I was asked to pray before others, sometimes a small group, like my Sunday School class and sometimes a large group, like the entire congregation. I couldn't help but erm.. my way through my public prayers. I am an erm..ummer public pray-er. I can't help it.

I became frustrated that my prayers were not elaborate and eloquent and soon panicked when asked to pray publicly because I would end up sounding incompetent. My public praying is so different than my personal ones. I don't erm so much and sometimes not at all.

One day it just occurred to me that the reason for my ermming was because I was uncomfortable. I was thinking about who was around me and how to impress them with my words and not so much in the words and who I was talking to.

I thought I had to sound fancy in order to sound spiritual and that was the problem. I shouldn't have wanted to sound spiritual. I should have wanted to speak to God, to praise Him, to Honor Him, to ask of Him in faith with a sincere heart and without wanting to impress. Again, I had to forget about the words and meditate on who I was talking to. I had to erase from my mind the fact that there was anyone around me and have that intimate conversation with God. That's what prayer is.

Prayer is not a speech. It's more personal than that.

I still erm...um through some of my prayers both private and public but not for the same reasons, and not as much. I think God likes unrehearsed prayer because He like us to be ourselves and in being ourselves, sometimes, we are at a loss for words and sometimes we stammer a bit when we speak and sometimes the words are hard to find and that's okay, as long as we are praying sincerely.

We don't speak flawlessly to each other. We are human and at times during our conversations with others, it is difficult to put into words what we want to express. That's just the way it is.

So whether you are a public pray-er who speaks with fluency to God or one that erms your way through your talks with God, all that matters is that you are honest and you remember who you are speaking to and revere Him in your prayers.

2009-06-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

In my Biblical study of being a submissive wife, I am learning so much

A Wifes Biblical Submission study by Sunny

http://biblicalsubmission.blogspot.com/search/label/WEEK%20%231

I still have to learn how to use Mr. Linky I don't know how to link back other than how I posted the link above.

I just began the study and it is an uphill climb. The seriousness of the committment to be the submissive wife is appropriate. This is serious. I have always been a submissive wife but this study has shown me that being submissive for submissives sake is not the right way instead being submissive for God and His glory is different. I want to please God and I want to be obedient. I want Him to be glorified. I also want to please my husband and in doing so honor God, for I belong to God and my husband. This is something many modern day Christian wives have a hard time with but the word of God tells us that we need to be submissive. That's it. If it's in the Word it is to be taken in and applied no questions asked.

I am committing myself to this study and hoping to grow closer to God through it and closer to my husband. I'm already seeing my marriage and my husband in a whole new light. My marriage was very good before this study but I already feel it getting better because God is helping me to see my husband the way He wants me to see him and the view is fantastic.

A Wife's Biblical Submission

2009-06-08T19:35:00.000-07:00

I was surfing the net. Does anyone still say that? Anyway I was looking for Blogs written by Christian Women and then I went on CWO (Christian Women Online). On the CWO site I saw an article titled Sister 2 Sister and read about Sunny Shell and her Bible Study available online called "A Wife's Biblical Submission http://biblicalsubmission.blogspot.com/2008/08/welcome.html I was intrigued and went on the site and quickly decided that I wanted to join the study. I want to join to please God and be a good wife to my husband. I want to learn more about becoming the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31, for His glory and then for my husband, family and lastly for myself.
I have been married for twenty-eight years. I was a young bride and now at the age of forty-five I am a grandmother. I have three precious daughters between the ages of twenty-five and thirty. I have one grandson and another grandchild on the way.
I taught in a New York private school for eleven years (First through third grades)and because of my disability was obligated by doctors to stop working. I miss teaching so much but I know that all things work together for good. I am a happily married pastors wife.

His Affection

2009-06-08T09:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday during the sermon my husband, the Pastor, took me by surprise when he spoke of me during his sermon. I was surprised because I had asked him not to speak of my health when he preached.

Anyway... the verse, the sermon was based on was

Proverbs chapter 3:5, 6

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

He broke the verses down and ministered according to Gods will. It was

very edifying. Glory to God.

Toward the end of the sermon my husband said, "I am going to say this, and I'll probably say it a thousand times more, but I see a miracle everyday in my wife." Then he pointed at me and smiled.

I was stunned because I knew he was referring to my health and I specifically asked him not to speak of it, but right after the initial shock the Lord spoke to my heart and told me that He had a purpose and my husband needed to share the story. So I listened quietly to what the Lord was going to say through the story.

My husband went on to say that there are things in this world we might not understand but God knows all. His ways are not our ways.

He spoke of the last time I was hospitalized and how lengthy the hospital stay was and how he was very afraid because the doctors spoke to him and told him they didn't know what was going to happen. This is the first I was hearing of this. The doctors told him that if I beat the infection, I will improve but it was wait and see and five weeks later I was still in the hospital and not doing well and at one point I didn't even recognize him.

I was heartbroken to hear that and grateful I didn't remember not knowing who he was. He went on to say how he just broke down and cried and how he asked God if he was praying wrong. Then he said the words that God was longing to hear. My husband said, "No matter what happens, if she dies or if she lives, You are still God."

The next day when he went to see me at the hospital, I was up, lucid and on my way to recovery.

The doctors say there is no cure for my disease and it's still just wait and see but God is sustaining me and I am doing well. Praise God.

Four days ago my second child was very ill, and I had to care for her because her husband was away. I had her sleep in my home for a couple of days so that I can keep an eye on her. Those were a grueling two days.

On the third day we went to the doctor's office. I took her hand when she went through her painful test. I helped her through it, as any mother would.

She is feeling better today but still has a few more results to wait for, please keep her in prayers.

The point is, that we cannot understand how God works but we need to trust Him. I was supposed to have died and yet I did not, and still even more remarkable is the fact that I was well enough to care for my daughter. When at this point, according to the doctors, I should have been the one taken care of. God is amazing.

Since my husband has been a pastor, there have been many ups and downs but the ministry has always been rewarding and one of the rewards is the fact that I have seen how much my husband loves God and how much he loves me .

He has always been an affectionate man with me and because Christ is the center of our marriage, he has shown us both the importance of each other and how valuable we are to each other.

Thank you Lord, for my husband.

Father God,

Thank you for my husband and please help me and my husband to continue being affectionate towards each other in a sincere manner and an example to others that if You are in our lives, the love between us is real and strong, and that it is so important for us to know the importance of You being in the center of our marriage.

Keep our love for each other strong and the affection for one another honest. Help me to see my husband as a man who loves and values me and may I always love and value him and never ever leave the desire to show him affection always, and in an appropriate fashion.

Help me to show him affection when he needs it the most. Let me know when he needs that extra hug or peck on the cheek, when I don't see the need. Help him to see the need in me as well.

Help me to understand when it is not about me. Help us to lift each other up always, and never shy from being affectionate towards each other.

The best thing is Lord, and I thank you for this, is that first and foremost my husband loves You and because he loves You, he can love me and does, And because You are in my life, I will always love him. I asked that You stay in our marriage Lord, always.

In the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen

The Power of a Praying Wife

2009-06-06T07:27:00.001-07:00

I have been participating, or at least trying to, with the 30 days of prayer for my hubby. The first two days went well and then the enemy got mad and so there have been trials for the last three days, and I haven't been able to speak with God the way I should be and especially for my hubby. So I am catching up and when I should be on day 6(?) I am on Day Three.

MY PRAYER

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you Lord, for my hubby and thank you for making him a giver, even though at times I don't understand it, I thank you for giving him the heart to give and the wisdom to me, not to protest his giving. My hubby is truly a blessing and I thank you for him.
Thank you lord for always providing for us and giving my hubby the strength to get up each and every morning and work for his family and your church. Thank you Lord for allowing me to help my hubby and not to spend the money he works so hard for frivolously and unresponsibly,in order to provide for the family and to tithe and to give offering and to help others.
Forgive the doubts and the times I didn't see the financial blessings you have provided.
Thank you lord for helping us when we were at rock bottom and always providing us with the basic needs of food clothing and shelter.
Lord Thank you for giving us the strength and loyalty to stick by each other and never to give up on each other.
Thank you Lord for such a hard working man and for giving me the ability to trust that because he is God fearing and hard working that I will never be without.

"Consider the lilies..."

Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Luke 12:27

Thank you Lord for getting us through when we thought we wouldnt make it and thank you for keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table and clothes on our backs.

Lord, I ask that we be content and continue to trust that you will provide for our every need and remember all the times you have provided for the needs and tossed in a treat every now and then.
I appreciate all those times Lord and know that there will be more and so I trust in You.

Lord, I ask that you continue to work through Angel, and that you continue to give him the strength to work both outside and in your fields.
I ask Lord, that you give him peace and wisdom as you have in the past to care for our family and to place You in the center of our finances and our lives.
I know Lord, that Angel loves You, His love for You is obvious and his desire to serve You and others is apparent.
Lord, I pray that he may be encouraged, continue working in him and give him strength peace and joy to continue in Your path.

"I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread." Psalm 37:25

Thank you Lord for Angel ,I know you will continue to provide for us and that you will continue to give him the strength needed to work and for me to make his return from work a pleasant one, and that I continue to show my appreciation for him.
Lord, I ask You to let him know , in some way, that he is very appreciated by us and that all his hard work is not in vain.
Lord, thank you because I know You are our Provider, I never expected to be where I am today and I can only imagine what blessings you have in store for my hubby and family and for our future.

Thank you Lord for giving me the confidence to know that everything will be okay.
Thank you Lord for a hubby who makes me feel safe, and secure financially and in other ways.

In the Name of Jesus Christ
Amen

Consider The Lilies
Written by: Joel Hemphill

Consider the lilies they don’t toil nor spin
And there’s not a king with more splendor than them
Consider the sparrow they don’t plant or sow
But they’re fed by the Master who watches them grow

We have a Heavenly Father above
With eyes full of mercy
And a heart full of love
He really cares when
Your head is bowed low
Consider the lilies and then you will know

Now may I introduce you to this friend of mine
Who hangs out the stars and tells the sun when to shine
And kisses the flowers each morning with dew
But He’s not too busy to care about you

Youth Today

2009-06-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine (Elizabeth Lopez)posted this on Facebook. It's a very moving and insightful post written by her fifteen year old son. I had to share it and so I asked permission to post it here. I am so impressed with this young mans very perceptive view on the youth around him. He has an amazing spiritual maturity and it is evident in his writing, which makes it all the more extraordinary because he has so much more growth ahead of him, as we all do.

Enjoy

The bottom of this post has my signature on it but it was not written by me

Youth Today As Seen Through My Fifteen Year Old Son's Eyes

My son wrote this on his Myspace page and I just had to share he was speaking from his heart. I am so proud of him God has BIG plans for him....

"What's happened to living lives seperated and holy unto God? What happened to walking with him in the rough and praising Him in the good? What happened to being different from the world? What happened to being the kids with different music in the ipod, not stressing over relationships, not trying to sneak behind our parent's backs, staying pure til marriage, building each other up not tearing down, having clean mouths and jokes and being easily seperate from the crowd? Why do we sit on the fence b/w Christianity and the world. We mock those who do right and brag about doing wrong. We tear each other down and fight each other when our adversary the Devil sneaks about seeking prey. He has a grip so tight we can't even muster breath to pray. We can tell why Chris Brown beat up Rhianna or who at school is dating who? But we can't say who built the ark nor why Daniel was in a lion's den. The sad part is we gave the Devil his grip and don't fight to make him let go. Who'll step up and fight. Who'll go against the crowd. Who'll pray over their food and read a Bible at school? I'm gonna take the plunge to be sold out. Who else will? Who'll be a Daniel and go against the wishes of the people and be persecuted for worshipping God, who'll be like Noah and be mocked for doing God's will and work no matter what the outcome may be. Who'll stand up in our youth groups and say lets stop fighting each other and worrying about the latest gossip and get the message out to a lost and dying world. I was shocked today as I continually see what today's Christians are doing. Do we even know what happens post-Salvation? Do we even hear the Holy Spirit call? I'm taking the plunge today to be 100% sold-out. To go against the crowd and keep God's music in my ear, worry about my relationship with God not a girl, stay pure til marriage, study His word, pray without ceasing, be where Christians ought to be not hanging out in places we have no business in, use words and jokes that Christians ought to say. 100% who else is with me? I've been on this road a long time, I thought there were more behind me traveling towards God as well. Clearly not. But that can change. Who wants it to though?"

By Dashaun

Pollyanna or Eeyore

2009-05-30T06:36:00.001-07:00

It's 9:35 a.m. on a Saturday in Brooklyn, New York. The sun is shining and the high is predicted to be in the eighties. It should be a great day.

Refelcting, I am thinking that, it should also be a great day, if it was cloudy , cold and the high's in the thirties, shouldn't it?

I love the sun and the warmth it makes me happy. I do not like the cold at all, especially because I am anemic and the slightest breeze, seems like a wind chill sweeping down from the arctic. Okay, that was an exaggeration.

Most days I wake up and the first thing out of my mouth is "Thank You Jesus" Praise will continue spewing out of my mouth as I slide my feet inside my cozy slippers and shuffle off to the bathroom and freshen up to start my day. The groggy but sincere praises come out in a froggy voice until I start to brush my teeth and then the praises are mentally sent forth.

Everything is good.

My routine is morning coffee, while reading through some Christian Women's blogs (I love the early fellowship with sisters, it is highly motivating)

Coffee, sunshine, good reading, comfy coziness, Thank you Jesus.

Who wouldn't be thankful under such serene and content circumstances?

The birds are tweeting and I can hear the faint laughter of children playing in the park across the street. if I were to look out my window I would see people walking their cute, very groomed puppies and the occassional runner trotting by.

*sigh*

Life is good. Thank you Jesus.

But in the real world, there are mornings, when I wake up and in my almost gutteral voice say, an almost forced, and not so sincere, obligatory, "Thank you Jesus for this day..." I might as well offer up an offensive blah blah blah, because the worship and praise and thanks is not coming from my heart. It is forced and I have made it mandatory.

Why, do I wake up like that on some days?

Well, obviously it's because I didn't sleep well the night before and so I wake up achy. The room is still dark because it is cloudy outside and it looks like rain all day. I'm cold and the heat hasn't kicked in and when I attempt to slide my feet inside my cozy slippers for warmth, I miss, and almost trip, causing my bare feet to touch the cold hardwood floors.

Argh!

I shuffle off to the bathroom and find that I didn't replace the empty tube of toothpaste with a fresh new one from the pantry and there are no D*xie cups for my mouthwash.

Grrrr.

Grumble, grumble, grumble.

So... I drag myself to the cupboards, when the telephone rings, I check the caller I.D and it is a telemarketer. More grumbling from me.

If we are to be honest, we would admit that not everyday begins with a "Pollyanna Morning of Greatness" and positive thoughts. It is more like an "Eeyore Dragging Morning of Gloom"

Bluebirds aren't circling our heads and we don't prance around all giddy singing our favorite worship songs.

I want to get to the point in my life where I am spiritually mature enough to wake up in the cold, damp, dark apartment realizing, I didnt set the coffee maker the night before and ran out of filters, stubbing my toe on the corner of the kitchen table and not letting all of it ruin my day or set the tone for the rest of it.

I want to find joy in all , not a maniacal laughing at all the things that go wrong during the day but an "It sucks but it's okay" attitude.

So what? There are no coffee filters and you forgot to replace the tube of toothpaste. So, it's cold and the heat isn't on. God is still in control and life is still good and so God I sincerely worship you this morning, NOT to force myself into doing it but because in the grand scheme of things I always know that you are and always will be. I will always know that You love me and that everything is going according to your plans as long as I continue to follow your direction.

Good Morning Lord and thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

A Clip from the movie "Pollyanna" Notice her positive attitude in spite of all the nastiness around her:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UL-jtuw570c

2009-05-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

There are people around us who need to know Christ. Instead of looking for something "big" to do, begin today to invest your gifts and talents in one person-Babbie Mason

It's Been A while

2009-05-21T09:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while but I assure you I have been very reflective;)
New post coming sometime today :) Don't give up on me :)

Please Pray For.....

2009-04-01T11:06:00.000-07:00

Sister Marisol who will be undergoing brain surgery to remove a tumor on Monday. We are thinking about her and her family. We believe God's hands are in the entire situation. I look forward to seeing Sister Marisol back in action, I have faith it will be sooner than expected.

2009-03-24T15:04:00.001-07:00

I was thinking about a lot of things today. I was getting all deep and thinking of God and all that He is. I was especially pensive, not to mention extremely grateful for His mercy. When I began to think of all the times I messed up and how God has forgiven me, I am truly amazed. The Word says His lovingkindness is everlasting and His MERCY endures forever. It sure does. I am beyond appreciative for God's mercy. I just wanted to take time to express my gratitude.

Have a great day!

2009-03-16T16:14:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a very interesting day at church. Sofi led the devotional part of the service and was singing before the congregation. Her hubby Rob was working the projector and Aunt Becky sat behind me with Jake. I was very into the service and worshipping when I felt a tug on my skirt. I looked down to see that it was Jake. "Muma, can I sit with Naomi?" Naomi is Jakes new best friend. He has been on several playdates with her and her family attends the same church we pastor. I was reluctant but looked over at Naomi and her family and remembered the last time I said no,I discovered that Naomi had cried herself to sleep right there on the church pew, so I bent down and eye level with Jake said, "Jake, you can sit with Naomi, BUT you have to promise me you will be at your very best behavior." He looks at me wide eyed, there is no answer. I repeat,"Okay?" Jake finally but hesitantly responds, "Okay."My hubby is accompanying the singers and Jakes Mom is singing. His dad is working the projector in the music room and Aunt Becky is sitting behind me. I send Jake off and he runs over to Naomi who is waiting... all smiles. I return to worshipping and enjoying the devotion for a few minutes more before I start to worry about Jake and Naomi. I hope they are behaving I glance over to find Jake performing the only dance moves to the devotion. Some moves were familiar, ala John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. I gasped and looked at the members who were sitting in the pews around him. They were very distracted and at the same time charmed by Jakes little performance. All eyes were on Jake. I walked as quickly as I could over to Jake, trying my best to avoid making a scene. I reach Jake and grab his hand and pull him to the back of the church. Me- "Jake, you can't dance in church"Jake- "Why?"Me- "Because....you just can't. People are trying to sing and worship and they are all looking at you."Jake-(delighted, puts his liitle open faced hand on his chest) Me?"Jake- (I'm irked and at the same time amazed by my grandson.) Slowly and as calmly as I could I said "Jake, you are going to go back and sit with Naomi and you are going to beh....."Jake ran off and joined Naomi on the second pew of the church.I composed myself, straightened my skirt and returned to the first pew where I was sitting before being distracted. I looked over at Hubby who mouths "Let him be" I'm frustrated and can't get back into worship. When did I become such a Fuddy Duddy?I felt bad, maybe I was too harsh with Jake. I looked over at my sweet little grandchild and I saw him repeating the SAME MOVES!!! *Sigh*I shrugged my shoulders. I gave up and then I tried really hard not to laugh.

My hubby reminds me of a famous quote

"Let the children come to the father for theirs is the kingsom of Heaven" -Jesus Christ

Interruptions

2009-03-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and immediately thought of God and then within three minutes, I was interrupted and sighed. But this is life. In our dreams our Utopian fantasies, we wish we could have constant communication with our Savior. It is a need, a desire . It is life. If I could I would close myself up and inside my house and just commune with Him but I know in a very real way that, God wants us to open up and to others and we cant do that if we close ourselves in and we cant tell others about Him if we are closed in. So we have to face life and ask God for the wisdom in learning how to balance life with our need to be with Him. It's possible. It is. Life is good and happy and a blessing. But I'll tell you one thing I can't wait for the day when I will be with Christ and there will be no interruptions.

2009-02-23T19:16:00.000-08:00

Hubby is praying in the bedroom and I hear his gentle voice as it becomes muffled through the bedroom wall and enters into the living room where i sit and type this. He will occasionally sing a few lines from an old hymn and return to his prayer. If i open the bedroom door i can also hear the turning of the thin pages of his Bible. The praise and worship eases my mind and puts a smile on my face as God fills this home with His peace.
As a pastor's wife....rather, as THIS pastor's wife I will do my utmost to encourage and support him. I will pray for my husband and his ministry, a ministry given to him by God. He is a mere vessel and my prayer is that God continues to be glorified in the sermons and in Hubby's task and responsibility as a pastor to His church.
I never thought in a million years that I would marry someone who would become a pastor but here I am honored that God allowed me this privileged. My goal is to be a good servant,wife, mother and pastor's wife and I ask that God lead me in every way. To reveal to me the way sin which I can be helpful to my hubby , in this way, he can find a second sanctuary at home and with me and the family, the first sanctuary being, of course in God.

2009-02-17T10:06:00.001-08:00

I feel a revival coming. I feel it deep in my soul and to be honest with you I am truly excited!!!!!!

Brand New day

2009-02-09T07:11:00.000-08:00

About two years ago I became too ill to work and had to leave teaching after eleven years. As anyone who has ever been a teacher knows, that during the school year, you spend more time at work than with your own family.
I worked at a very prestigious school in New York. I totally believe that God has blessed me in that job placement for the amount of time that I was there.
I taught the children of actors, directors, writers, CEO's ,Doctors, Lawyers etc. You get the picture.
The quality of my work (and the other faculty) was under constant scrutiny and observation, and understandably so. If I were paying the tuition for the school, these parents were paying...I would expect nothing but the best.
Working there was a joy. The children were awesome. The faculty became friends and the administration was very supportive. I even became friends with some of the parents.
There were lots of extracurricular activities planned for those working at the school as well, workshops, conventions and other things. There were book readings, book signings, parties and more, MOST were not obligatory to attend, but there was an unwritten rule that we should attend as many as we could.
Diversity was big. The tolerance for any race, religion, lifestyle was to be practiced. If not you were looked down upon.
I am all for diversity.
As a Christian living according to the teachings of Jesus Christ, I was and still am very accepting of many things, But there are some things, for the very same reason, I am not accepting of, BUT I love all, because Jesus loves us all, and I can not say I love God if I have no love for my neighbor.

warning- Possible overuse of the word exposure ahead

Having said that, working at the school also exposed me to things, situations and people I never thought I would be exposed to and I tried to be a light during the time I was exposed to them, primarily the times when lifestyle was being brought into the curriculum and workshops and my Christianity was tolerated less and less.
This did not stop me from sharing, I was not shy about what I believe and what I didn't believe in, at the same time not waning from my love to those who practiced such lifestyles.
I made friends first, and learned more about them later. I had gay freinds, transgender friends and even made a friend who I learned later on in our friendship was a Wicken.
Why were these diverse groups of people being exposed to me?
I knew right off the bat, that there was a purpose and I prayed for the Lord to allow me NOT to stray from my beliefs, but to continue to be a light, not to conform, but to be a vessel in the possible transformation of these lives, because I truly grew to love them just as Christ loves me.
I loved my friends and tried, for many years, to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ with them.
I loved teaching, but God was putting a burden in my heart that I needed to leave my job and look for another one. Things would be getting progressively worse, and my time there was over.
I scattered many seeds and now I had to trust God and move on.
I started looking for other jobs but nothing happened. I started to doubt that maybe God doesn't want me to leave, and it was tugging at my hearts strings to leave, the children, my friends and my job behind.
I stopped searching and chalked it all up to misunderstanding what I thought God was trying to tell me, and so I continued to work and things got worse.
The school was becoming more and more liberal in a negative way and less tolerant of Christianity. The burden to leave was becoming stronger but, again, I ignored it and continued in disobedience.
Of course, all the way, I justified my disobedience with the fact that I was a Christian and I needed to be there. But God wasn't having it, and I needed to understand.
It became more obvious to me that I HAD to leave. I became fearful for my spiritual life and so I started sharpening my resumes, when suddenly I became sick.
I was born with the illness I have and by Gods grace, I was always able to live with it. I suffered but God gave me strength. Suddenly out of nowhere without any warning, a sickness I lived with throughout my life took a sharp turn, and worsened dramatically and overnight. I got so sick I could not function.
I was forgetting things. I could not process what was being directed to me. I forgot the names of children. I would lose their work and misplace progress reports. It was horrible, to the point where I spoke to my director and told him I needed help. The administration was very helpful and made arrangements and provided classroom help for me. Until it got so bad my doctor said I could not work again.
When my doctor said those words, it finally became clear to me what God needed to do in order for me to finally accept that I was not supposed to be where I was.
And so, finally, and unfortunately being forced to, having no other options, in obedience I left my teaching and the school.
I had not been working for two years but kept in contact with many faculty members who became friends, and who visited and kept in contact with me, and still do during my illness.
One of these friends invited me to a function to raise money for women of the Congo who were being raped, abused and mutilated, as a Christian I jumped right on the bandwagon.
The female faculty was giving a performance at my old school, called "The V*gina Monologues" I had heard a little about about this performance. I never saw it, but I knew that it had to do with empowerment and although the title of the performance was disapproving TO ME. I accepted the invite to attend, for the women of the Congo.
I attended and immediately regretted it. The cause was great, but the performance was, in my opinion, crude and obscene. I was embarassed to be there mostly, because all the while God was telling me in his sweet patient voice, "I removed you from here for a reason. Why did you come back? You are not listening to me."
I was ashamed, but this time I finally got that I am not supposed to be there. Slow huh?
The next day I was at service, and the service was awesome. The presence of God was strong and the blessings were pouring down from the heavens and all the while, while worship was going on, while the sermon was being preached, and during the calling, all I could do was cry and say, "I'm sorry God."
I was sorry for returning to a place where God had rescued me from. I was sorry I disobeyed God, I was sorry I led other people into thinking that I would be accepting to exposure of crudeness.
I was sorry in every way.
To some this might seem minuscule, but to me it was something very big and something very wrong.
Gods mercy endures forever, and He forgives us of our many sins and I know He forgave me yesterday when I cried out to him to forgive me, but he also said this to me and it continually echoes in my brain and in my soul. "It's a Brand New Day."
Sometimes we argue with God because, for some dumb reason, we think we know better than Him. We would never say aloud that we disagree with Him, but our actions say it, each and every time we choose to ignore His voice and continue to la-di-da through life, covering our ears so that we muffle His voice.
How hurtful is that?
How disrespectful is that?
How irreverent is that?
It is very hurtful, disrespectful and irreverent, but today is a brand new day, behold all things are new.
I am so immensley grateful that my God gives me so many chances. He is a patient God and a loving God.
I will not be returning to a place where He does not want me. The shame of what I did was too grand. To some it may be a big stink over nothing, but to me it was much more about the disobedience than about anything else and then about the exposure of indecency, it was horrid.
BUT...
Today is a Brand New Day

Good Morning!

2009-02-05T05:46:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning determined once again to live the life that God wills me to live. I realize that I cannot live it, if I do not know His will and so I begin my day with prayer. In this way, I can be led by The Spirit in which direction to walk and in which choices to make in the small things and in the big things.

I have come to know that ALL decisions no matter how minuscule we think they are should be made under the security and the trust that God knows what is best for us. It is all about believing that God has our best interest at heart.

Last night I made a schedule of things to do. This is not my first To Do list but the first item on my list is and always should be prayer and reading of scripture. I cannot possibly begin my day without this, even morning coffee takes second place.

How can I even live without talking, communicating with God at the start of my day and throughout the day? How will I know what to do when a crisis arises or when an important decision has to be made? How will I heed warnings throughout the day if I am not in tune with God? How can I live without Him?

I used to wake up and pray as I made my bed and brushed my teeth but not anymore. I rise and then get on my knees and bow before Him , first thing in the morning.

Charles Stanley was once asked by a member of his congregation if prayer always had to be said on their knees and he answered, "No, but remember who you are talking to ." So I try to pray on my knees as much as I can ALONG with talking to Him throughout the day, as I wash the dishes or crochet or brush my teeth or cook.

I woke up today determined to live my life fully for Christ. I am looking forward to the day when I wake up not determining to do it, not pushing my way to do it but that living for Christ becoming something natural as natural as breathing. I don't have to be determined to breathe, I just breathe.

2009-02-03T16:06:00.000-08:00

It's that time again when I look at my spiritual life and examine, self-evaluate it.
I was listening to a study and it was tremendously edifying.
This is what I got out of it; I need to have a determined purpose. I have often wanted to bury myself in all things spiritual, reading the Word, worship, studying, meditating as much as I can to get to that place where I have a spiritual relationship with Christ that is bringing me closer to Him and an understanding of what it is, to truly be Christ-like. I want clarity in the Lord. I want to know Christ just like I know everything about my best friend I want to know everything I can about Him.
I believe that the Holy Spirit will reveal God to me and He will disclose Himself to me (at least what He feels I should know.) I don't know enough about God , I need more, and I have a yearning to want to know more.
The Apostle Paul expresses this perfectly when he says in the new testament book of Phillipians, chapter 3:10 "...that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death."
The little that I know is worth the loss of everything else I identify myself with in my life and the more that He chooses to reveal to me, the better. My friends and family may not understand but I think I need to grow up already (spiritually)"... put away childish things." 1Cor. 13:12. There are people who leave everything they have behind and seek refuge in God.
Being alone with Him and learning from Him would be so great.
My determined purpose is to know Him and to pull any fragments of knowledge of who I think Christ is and see if I am right or if my perception of Him is all wrong.I don't want to get emotional I want to know GOD!

Swimming In Gods River

2009-02-02T07:00:00.000-08:00

I am going to try to recap our Sunday Sermons so this will be the first recap. The sermon was given by Pastor Angel Roman. I have a copy of his outline and will translate it from Spanish to English . In green are the Pastors words.

The sermon started with a reading of Ezekiel 47:3-5

3 When the man went forth eastward with the line in his hand, he measured a thousand cubits, and he caused me to pass through the waters, waters that were to the ankles. 4 Again he measured a thousand, and caused me to pass through the waters, waters that were to the knees. Again he measured a thousand, and caused me to pass through the waters , waters that were to the loins. 5 Afterward he measured a thousand; and it was a river that I could not pass through; for the waters were risen, waters to swim in, a river that could not be passed through.

It is my prayer that this message is of great blessing and edification in your lives and that God through His Holy Spirit give you the bravery and confidence to follow in His glorious path.

I would like to remind you of the story of two men who had to confront the rivers in their lives and were triumphant and powerful in God as a result. These men experimented the power of God in their lives in an extraordinary way.

Joshua

Joshua became the successor to Moses and brought Israel to the promised land but not without crossing a river. Joshua could have remained looking at Jericho from a distance and not cross the river to conquer it BUT he was obedient to the voice of God and crossed the river.

Don't remain on the riverside, watching the blessing flow by, it is necessary to cross the water and conquer the promise.

In the Book of Joshua , The High Priest had to wet their feet and the water stopped.

The Lord helped Joshua lead the Hebrew people into the Promised Land. When they entered this land, the Israelites had to cross the Jordan River. At God’s command, Joshua told the priests to take the Ark of the Covenant into the river.
No sooner had they wet their feet in the water than the river parted. The water that flowed from the upper reaches of the river came to a stop like a wall, and the lower part of the river flowed down to the sea and all the people crossed over the dry river bed.

You have to wet your feet in order to receive the blessing from God.

In 2 Kings Chapter 2 :13-14, we see the prophet Elisha standing at the edge of the river to strike the river with Elijah's cape and in this way receive a double portion of The Spirit. We cannot just watch the water of the river flow by us. We can pray and those prayers can strike the rivers in our lives and open a path.

There are three levels we must pass through to finally be completely submerged in The Spirit, ankle length, knee length, loin length and finally, completely submerged.

There are three categories of people in life, today. Those who;

1- Make things happen

2- Watch things happen

3- Don't know what's happening

Ezekiel saw a great revival and a healing in the waters. To be able to experiment it we must at least begin with getting as deep as our ankles. If we want to begin to experience a life full of miracles, blessings, and a life fuller in The Spirit, we should allow The Holy Spirit to reach our ankles . We should be at least ankle-deep in the river, but we can't stay there.

Ezekiel says that The Measurer in the story measured another 1,000 cubits (which by the way, according to http://www.csgnetwork.com/cubitscnv.html is equivalent to 20.5 inches or 1.7 feet for those who want a clearer picture). The Measurer made the man go into the water until it reached his knees. We note that this time he brought him in a little deeper. He is now knee-length.

God wants us to shed our fears and have deeper experiences.

We should not conform to simply touching the blessings of God, ankle length, but we should allow ourselves to get knee-deep.

Ezekiel goes on to say that The Measurer measured another 1,000 cubits and made the man get waist deep. We realize that every time The Measurer measures, God submerges the man deeper. It was not enough to be ankle deep or knee-deep but now the man had to be waist-deep.

As time goes on God wants us to experience more and more of Him and submerge ourselves deeper in Him.

The Measurer finally measures the last 1,000 cubits and the man arrived at a point in the river where he could not pass unless he submerged himself completely and swam.

God does not only want to bring us to deeper places, but he wants us to learn how to swim in them, that we may experience a great revival and not remain on the riverside watching it go by. He wants us to experience His power and majesty.

What distances you from experiencing a great revival in your life?

A complete surrender.

You must surrender completely to Christ to experience the revival in your life.

God Bless You

Measuring Your Committment

God wants to use us in an extraordinary way. It all depends on how much of an instrument we want to be for God. In the verses above the man could contemplate/reflect on the river, watch the river flow by or get in it and move with the current. As he gets into the river, he gets deeper and deeper.
The Measurer guided and instructed the man to go with the current in the river and onto new ground.

We can choose to stand by the river and look across it and wish we were there or we can get in and let it lead us to newer ground. We should not be afraid of the current in the river it will take us to a better place.

The river here is symbolic of The Spirit of God and the current is symbolic of how we should allow ourselves to be fully submerged in His Spirit and let the current of the Spirit lead us to new ground and follow the path that God has set before us.

In the verses above we see that the man is led to the water and the water reaches his ankles, then farther on down reaches his knees, then the water reaches his loins and eventually the water is so high that the only means to navigate would be to swim.

Sink or Swim.

You can be an ankle length Christian and just dab your toes in the water. A Christian who does not want to delve too much into The Spirit or you can be a Christian who is submerged in The Spirit.

Morning

2009-01-30T16:46:00.000-08:00

I went to bed at three thirty in the morning. I found a site that contains free movie scripts so I read a couple of them just to get a feel of what a real script looks like. My scripts don't look so bad compared to these.

There are some abbreviations on the real scripts and some lingos I don't get but I could always google those and find out what they mean.

It took a while for me to fall asleep after reading. For some reason, last night every sound that I heard in the apartment caused me to jump. I found the humming of the air conditioner quite reassuring because I knew it probably drowned out some of the creepy sounds I didn't hear but knew were there. I try to relax and think of a comforting verse.

For God hath not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Ahh Good Old Timothy 1:7

Hubby woke up at seven-thirty this morning. I knew this because my groggy self looked at the alarm clock by the bed. He tells me to go back to sleep. I close my eyes because I am still very sleepy. I begin calculating in my head, How many hours of sleep have I had, so far? Four hours. Not enough.

Then I hear the spare change being removed by Hubby from the pockets of the pants he wore to church yesterday, the last pair he wore that were hanging pathetically over the chair in my bedroom, causing weird monster shapes just last night, four hours ago. I dont have to open my eyes to know exactly what he is doing. But I pray he does it quickly so I could go back to sleep. He opens the third draw of a very small chest consisting of three drawers. The first contains nickels, the second, dimes and the third quarters. By the sound of the coin hitting the drawer and joining the other coins I can tell which drawer he opened and which coin he placed in what drawer. He doesn't make an effort to do this quietly and he is taking way too much time doing it. I close my eyes tighter and scream at him angrily (in my head, of course) "Put the darn coins in and go to work already!" I open my eyes and face him with a look of unbelief. "What!?"

"Shhhh, go back to sleep." He whispers.

I still have some sleep left. So I turn quickly and angrily and bury my head in my pillows and cover my head with the comforter. This feels so good and I begin to drift off, when I feel the comforter slowly uncovering my head and Hubby bends down to kiss me goodbye. I force a "How sweet" smile when I secretly want to kill him.

"Take it easy today and....

Is he talking to me now!!!!! Go away!!!! Go to Work!!!!! I want to sleep!!!!!

"Relax Debbie, this is not good or positive. Your attitude stinks right now."

I try to relax. It's not Hubby's fault that I am such a light sleeper.

He leaves. I hear the bedroom door close and then he is gone.

Great, now I have to go to the bathroom . I debate whether it could wait and I could manage to fall back to sleep with a full bladder or should I walk to the bathroom with my eyes closed, so I don't lose the bit of sleep I have left and rely on my memory to guide me to the bathroom. I decide on the latter. During my walk to the bathroom, I hear something I open my eyes and through the open door of the bathroom I could see Hubby removing the trash from the kitchen trash can and replacing the bag. I shut the bathroom door.

Mission Accomplished.

I am no longer sleepy.

I return to bed and try to summon sleep. I hear the front door lock. I get in my "comfy, comforter and place it over the head with my face buried in pillows" position.

Nothing. Maybe if I turn the air conditioner off. I get up and turn it off and return to the position. I can't. Frustrated I lie on my back and stare at the light fixture on the ceiling. "Darn!"

Blissful sleep is all gone.

Now my head is buzzing with all these ideas. Writing ideas, perhaps brought on by reading last night.

I sit upright and grab my laptop which sits waiting on the third (top of three) hatboxes by my bed. I use these hatboxes for storage and they're pretty enough to be by my bed.

I turn the laptop on. Then I hit programs, then Micros*ft Word. A new blank document pops up. I stare at it, then I stare at the cursor as it blinks. I close the window and get out of programs. I click on Intern*t Explor*r, then click favorites and then click Reflections of A Pastor's Wife. It opens to the Bl*gger's sign in page. I sign in and write the first thing I can think of which happens to be what you are reading now. Something I audaciously believe will be of great interest to you and now that I have wasted your time I will reread the post. Then I'll hit publish and then I will compulsively View Blog to see if it's there. When I see it, I will sign out, close the window, close all the other open windows. Click on start, then click on Turn off computer then I will click hibernate. My computer will take approximtely eighteen seconds to go dark. I know this because I count everything. Very OCD. When it is off I close my laptop and feel the familiar click as the lid closes, Then I'll brush my teeth and make myself a cup of coffee. By midday I will miss Hubby, because it will be too quiet in here.

Morning

Thank You is Not Enough

2009-01-29T22:21:00.000-08:00

"Thank you" is such a small phrase to show gratitude to a God so wonderful, A God who sent His one and only Son to die on the cross for all of us, for me.

I did not reside in Orphan Annie's "cell block" in the orphanage but boy did I have a hard knock life. I have experienced things that some of you could never even imagine and have lived through it all.

Why?

Because God has never left my side and His faitfulness is awesome.

I reflect a lot. I suppose it's because I am a writer but in my reflections, I laugh, I get angry, I cry but most of all I rejoice.

What have I triumphed through with God's help?

So many things. So many horrors. But only for God to always be glorified at the end.

I have been attacked on more than one occassion.

I have had a gun pointed to my head, twice.

I have been on deaths door a few times.

I have seen abuse in my family as a child and have experienced it first hand from a self proclaimed atheistic father, young and overwhelmed with family and responsibilities.

I have experienced death in my family, loved ones who have surely gone to be with the Lord and others that I pray, repented before dying.

I wear the scars of major surgeries that have practically cut me in half.

I have lost dear friends.

I have lost possessions of things that were precious to me.

And yet...I can not cease Thanking God, daily for my life.

I have been attacked but I have been rescued and lived to tell the story another day and to console others who have gone through the same experieince and tell them "I know what you are going through." without being hypocritical or insensitive.

I have had a gun pointed to my head and have had the shooter run away,cry or fall on thier knees and ask for forgiveness.

I have had a knife pointed to my neck, the tip burying in, only to have the assailant flee for no apparent reason (that he knows of)

I have returned from experiencing God glorious wonders in a Holy Spirit packed service just to get beaten by my father as soon as I walked through my front door at home, just because I attended church.

I have been told I will die by my doctors and here I am typing these words to you.

Those who do not know God would probably think I should be resentful, bitter or angry but I can't be.

Don't be mistaken there are times when the "Why me?" person comes out but then there is that ever consoling, loving hand that reassures me that I was never alone and will never be alone and through the good times and the bad, through the celebrations and the grief, He will be there for me always.

Thank You Father for my life, spiritually,physically and emotionally.

Thank you for the friends you have given me near and far.

Thank you for giving me an appreciation to embrace the differences in my friends and to celebrate the diversity of your people.

Thank you for friends of all different shapes, sizes, ethnicities, religions and backgrounds.

Thank you for my husband, my precious loving husband, we grew together in you and have lived God centered our entire married life.

Thank you for my dear, dear children from birth to womanhood. They have grown so much. Thank you for letting me witness their enormous stages of development, thier successes, thier triumphs.

Thank you for allowing me to witness thier first steps,words, phrases and praises to You.

Thank you for allowing me to hold thier tiny, fragile and beautiful bodies in my hands and for giving me the privilege to see them walk down the wedding aisle, preach a sermon, become productive citizens in society and making thier mark as Christians.

Thank you for the laughter.

Thank you for my sense of humor.

Thank you for the humor in my family and friends.

Thank you for my appreciation of music and literature.

Thank you for my voice.

Thank you for my words.

Thank you for those who teach me about You.

Thank you for the abiltiy to understand Your word.

Thank you for the Holy Spirit who You have sent to guide us.

Thank You for Your Son, the greatest gift of all.

My Thank you list can go on forever but as you can see it is much longer than my prior list.

This doesn't mean that I will not suffer, it only means that I have hope and peace and strength through those few times of suffering.

Thank you is such a small phrase for the ultimate gift given to me, my salvation through Jesus Christ, the son of God.

Count it all Joy as long as your will is being done, Father.

God is good......All The Time!

2009-01-27T09:09:00.000-08:00

How many times have you heard this "chant" being said from the altar of your church, "God is good!! All the time!!! (and) All the time ...(of course the entire...well at least most of the congregation who is awake will reply)God is good!!!!

I have come up with a phrase or at least I think I have, someone else as clever as I am could have thought up the same phrase...anyway the phrase is " automatic praising" I hear and see it so often in church and quite honestly it is a pet peeve of mine to observe people rummaging through their purses, looking through their wallets, biting their nails or picking their nose very non chalantly when suddenly the person in the altar request a praise, they respond with such a lack of enthusiasm. Seriously...why bother? Argghh!

It irks me so, because praise is something so wonderful. It should be offered to our God in honesty, love and sincerity.

Psalm 66 " 1 Shout with joy to God, all the earth! 2 Sing the glory of his name; make his praise glorious! 3 Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds! So great is your power that your enemies cringe before you. 4 All the earth bows down to you; they sing praise to you, they sing praise to your name."

God is so wonderful, so much so that praise should spew out of our mouth with ease just because of who He is. If we were to think about all the good things He has done for us, and the fact that He sent His Son to die for our sins, praise shouldn't be a problem.

A very funny friend of mine whose humor bordered inappropriateness, LOL...Well, she would get as irked as I would with automatic praisers and everytime someone would repeat the "God is good all the time" prompt., she would tell me that they might as well respond to the prompt with "Ham and Cheese" so it would sound like "God is good, Ham and cheese."

Offensive? Yes! Just as offensive as wording praise insincerely. Just as offensive as not wanting to praise Him. Some say that praise is difficult for them because they don't have the eloquent praise "lingo "as others do, and it often reminds me of a song I heard years ago and it was one of my favorites..

"Even the praise comes from You

Every prayer that I raise comes from You

Fill my mouth with words of worship

And I'll give them back to You'

Cause Lord they're not my own

They come from You alone

Even the Praise, every feeling and phrase

Even the Praise comes from You"

There are so many levels to your personal life with Christ and one of those levels is to get to a point of spiritual maturity where you realize the greatness of God and believe me the praise will flow out of your mouth with such beautiful fluidity. Praise Him for who He is! Praise Him for what He has done! Praise Him for His love and Kindness and for His mercy and grace! But praise Him with an honest heart, a heart willing and hungry to praise! God Bless You!!!

My Church Life Through The Years

2009-01-26T18:45:00.000-08:00

My earliest memory of church attendance is Sunday school. I remember sleeping over my grandmother’s house on Saturday night so that I could attend church on Sunday morning.

My parents were not Christian so my grandmother was the sole spiritual guide in the family. Being dropped off at Sunday school was an emotional mixture of feelings for me. I had severe separation anxiety and did not want my grandmother to leave my side but once I saw the friendly face of my Sunday school teacher I was fine.

Class consisted of a short prayer along with an offering collection; this is where I would drop my sweaty quarter into an envelope held by whoever had the privilege to collect offering. For some of us the collection of offering was our first church job. As for my offering, I held tightly to that quarter because I didn’t want to lose God’s money. My grandma was emphatic about my responsibility to give God that quarter and in doing so, instilled in me a great respect for being obedient to God.

Offering would be followed by a colorful Bible story. This would be followed by a wrap up of the lesson with an art project. I remember coloring paper doll Jesus’, along with Paul, Adam and Eve many times over and placing them in story sequence with the help of my teacher on a felt board where Jesus miraculously stayed adhered. Then my S.S. teacher would give us all a lollipop as she sent us off to our guardians. This is when my devotion to prayer began as I prayed that I would not get the green lollipop.

Being a teenager isn’t easy for any teen ever in the history of the world. Is this an overdramatic statement? Maybe. But for most teens not understated at all. In my opinion, teens have it hard. Teenagers are in the midst of morphing into young adults and there are plenty of growing pains.

I can honestly say... attending church and having Christ in my life alleviated much of the necessary growth pain. We have to grow, and it is difficult. There is no getting by the need to grow physically, emotionally and spiritually and the journey to maturity can be quite daunting, but I can honestly say being an active member in the youth society of church, distracted me from the hardships of being a teen and growing into adulthood. That is not to say that my teen years were easy, but I had the comfort and the accessability to Christ that made it so much more tolerable.

I remember all night youth vigils when we actually stayed... all night, until morning. We would bring our pillows and blankets, but we would stay awake so as not to miss anything. This was a great time in my life I was witness to miracles,deliverances and prophecies.

There were the youth trips to Great Adventure, campaigns, conventions and other activities that kept us involved and off the streets, so to speak. There were the birthday celebrations, Christmas parties, sneaking off to the church kitchen during service because our hunger pangs kept us from paying attention to the preaching; at least that is what we used as an excuse. You have to be pretty prayed up to resist the smell of home cooking wafting through the vents and into the temple. Estebania's pastelillos and Acapurrias were very tempting.

After the Friday night youth service, the youth would get together at Charlie’s’ pizzeria, until Charlie would kick us out. We were pretty rowdy Pentecostals, but keep in mind we were also teens and still growing.

As an adult, church life, attending and participating ,was a great part of my Christian walk. It was very edifying and needed. As a young mother,wife and a student, church activities had not waned but instead grew as I longed to share my church life with my daughters and set an example of the importance of fellowship. I taught Missionettes, Sunday school and performed solos for the Lord. My husband and I were youth pastors and accepted any other activity that we were called to do, dragging our three girls along.

My church life has not ended, it continues, as a second generation of our family has joined the church life. Church life is just a part of out spiritual walk but an immensly important one. Fellowship is key to any Christian’s life, as we are all part of Gods family, and it should be a priority to get together at our Fathers house.

It is of the greatest importance to hear what He wants to say to us as a whole and this is where it differs from our individual walk with Christ.

We are the church and we need to be united so that we can be in one accord and therefore have the capacity to hear what God is trying to tell His church, His children, as we gather together to worship, adore, honor and serve Him.

Imagine your family, your father, your mother and sisters and brothers united by blood. Imagine gathering together, every member of your family and honoring your parents and serving each other, while learning together about life from your father and spiritual leader of the home. Allowing him to guide you and teach you about life. What a great concept.

Take that very concept and apply it to your church family. It is the same, without Church life, There is no Christian family to be a part of .

Our church family includes brothers and sisters united by the blood of Christ, gathering together, each and every single member, honoring God and serving each other. The church family learns from the Heavenly Father and allows His guidance to lead our paths; His will has to take precedence over all.

My physical church life will end when I have passed away from this earth or when the church is taken up to Heaven via rapture and then together we are with our Heavenly Father eternally.

Then my church life through the years will come to its true realization.

Be Blessed

Ways To Reduce Stress

2009-01-25T19:17:00.000-08:00

Never borrow from the future.

If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.

1. Pray

2. Go to bed on time.

3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.

4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.

5. Delegate tasks to capable others.

6. Simplify and unclutter your life.

7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many. )

8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.

9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.

10. Take one day at a time.

11. Separate worries from concerns . If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety . If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.

12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.

13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.

14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.

15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.

16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.

17. Get enough rest.

18. Eat right.

19 Get organized so everything has its place.

20. Listen to a tape or CD while driving that can help improve your quality of life.

21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.

22. Every day, find time to be alone.

23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.

24. Make friends with Godly people.

25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand

26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good 'Thank you Jesus '

27. Laugh.

28. Laugh some more!

29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.

30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).

31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).

32. Sit on your ego.

33 Talk less; listen more.

34. Slow down.

35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.

36 . Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU.'If God is for us, who can be against us?'(Romans 8:31)

Today

2009-01-24T19:34:00.000-08:00

I will drink in the joy of the Lord.

Laugh out Loud.

Seize the silly.

Laugh at Yourself.

Tickle me funny.

Lighten up.

Hunt for humor.

Cheer the weary.

Be the jester.

Let God fill your heart with laughter

A merry heart does good, like medicine.

Proverbs 17:122 NKJV

From "Special blessings For You Today"By Karla Dornacher

I Share...but my faith is strong

2008-08-08T10:40:00.000-07:00

Warning Do not read while eating

I went to Madison Avenue today to get my manometry done. The doc decided to do it in the office so I should not have to wear it for 24 hours.

Yay!

It was the most excruciating experience ever! BOOOOOO!

I would rather go through labor pains than go through what I went through today. I was told to get into the ever flattering hospital gown and get as comfortable as I could. I sat back and got comfy...whatever.

I was given a green stress ball and told to squeeze on it if I felt pain. An image of Civil War soldiers flashed before my eyes. I felt like I was being asked to bite on a piece of wood while my leg was to be amputated.

Okay, slight exaggeration.

I wondered if a shot of whiskey would follow.

The green ball was squeezed to death but what I really wanted to do was throw it at my doctor. That would have helped.

I was told I would be given Novocaine to numb me.

Goodie!

It didn't take.

Then a six inch (I kid you not) Q-tip smeared with said Novocaine was inserted into my nostrils over and over again until the numbing took effect. You would think with the huge nostrils I have that it wouldn't hurt, that it would be smooth sailing but it was not. Tears were streaming from my eyes. I tried to bear it.

Then the doc gave me a four ounce cup of water with a straw and told me to hold it while at the same time holding the useless green ball and staring straight ahead.

"Try not to wince or squish your face."

Really?

Are you serious?

After the supposed numbing effect took in... the real pain began.

A thick cable was inserted into my nose slowly and "mercifully" but it still hurt like heck. I felt it in my throat before I knew it. Then I was told not too swallow but occasionally I needed to and it hurt like heck. It felt like what I imagined a sword swallower would feel if the illusion was real. The doctor jiggled the cable slowly and took recordings. Numbers were called out and keys were punched into a computer. Then there was the tease, when, at times, they pulled the cable back a tiny bit only to push it further in. I was told to take a sip of the water and I gagged,then ....ready?

I threw up on my doctor.

Now I'm in pain and embarrassed. The doctor reassured me that it was okay. These things happen. I was told to take another sip and threw up again this time catching it with the hem of my hospital gown. I was resourceful but I was still embarrassed. Then The doctor took out a huge syringe filled with salt water and told me to swallow once and that did it. I threw up so badly and all over the place.I cried and did something I have never done before in my long history as a patient. I screamed for them to stop.

"Take it out!"

Hubby was in the waiting room so he didn't see any of this.

Thank God.

The doctor and his assistant removed the scope and apologized. They said they could imagine how difficult it must be especially because of the achalasia. Then I sobbed so badly. There was barf all over me, my face looked like crap as my mascara and makeup smeared. They told me it was over with such pity.

I wanted to kill them even if they were just doing there jobs. They left me alone to get dressed and I removed the soaked hospital gown and placed it in the bin provided for soiled linen. My jeans were wet with whatever leaked through the gown. I took the darn green ball and threw it in the linen bin too. Then, I noticed that the green ball had these words stamped on it; "This doesn't relieve stress"

I wanted to say no kidding Sherlock.

I couldn't stop crying and cringed at the thought of walking into the waiting room and giving my copay looking the way I did . When I walked out. Hubby's face said it all and then I sobbed and said, "I threw up" the receptionist said "Aw..that's okay. it happens Then I had to walk along Madison avenue East seventies with wet jeans and I couldn't stop sobbing. Then hubby asked if I was hungry and if wanted to go to the park. I almost laughed if I wasn't so angry and in pain. I told him I couldn't eat because my throat was sore!!!!!

We drove home

Body Image

2008-01-26T21:46:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately there are many evil things in this world. Fortunately there is, I believe more good in this world as well, but I have reached my limit with this nation’s obsession of how a woman should look. The worst thing of all is that most of the criticism, bashing, meanness, vanity bullying, superficial crud comes from women themselves. We are our worst enemies. The mania of a woman’s appearance has reached an ungodly,sick and perverted level and regrettably this fixation has seeped into our homes, schools, cultures and even our churches.
When I was younger and my disease was at its peak I weighed a mere seventy pounds. My eyes bulged, my clavicle protruded, I looked like an anorexic. People would come up to me all the time and say; “You’re too skinny, eat something, put some meat on those bones.” When I got better I was told that I was getting fat too fast (a result of my disease messing up my metabolism) Then I got sick again and lost fifty pounds and the comments ran the spectrum, “You look great, you look sick, you can’t be sick, you’re still fat.” Every one of these comments were made by women. A man has never commented on my weight, a boy has never commented on my appearance unless it was positive. I believe men don’t think about that as much as women think they do. Women, what are we doing to ourselves? What are we doing to each other? This is scary crud. What are we thinking!? The fascination over a women’s exterior has erupted to an uncontrollable level.
This is our nation’s/world’s idea of the perfect woman. The perfect woman has perfect hair, doesn’t wear glasses, her teeth are so blindingly white that they can be used as illumination in a blackout situation. Their skin is perfectly tanned, Their abs are flat, Their breast are perfectly round and perky, their hips are not too big and not too small, They are perfectly manicured, shaven and dress with as minimal amount of clothing as the law allows. Their clothes are designer fashion, their shoes are Manolo Blahnik. If their handbags are a Vuitton, they call it by its first name, “Let me get Louis” (Louis Vuitton is a designer of very expensive handbags ranging from the hundreds to thousands of dollars a bag) Coach, Jimmy Chu, Donna Karan, and Hermes should be in her vernacular and in her closet. She doesn’t eat. She never gets sick. She doesn’t sweat (There are actually injections that woman are taking to eliminate perspiration, it last for a couple of weeks and then sweat returns) they can’t age gracefully because a wrinkle is doom. They are perfectly made up with the best cosmetics and tweeze their eyebrows to perfection and if they don’t want to menstruate they can take a shot that will relieve that and they only have to deal with the inconvenience of menstruating twice a year. In my opinion this is unnatural and dangerous. They don’t have gray hair and they don’t take public transportation.
Let’s examine some of the great women in this world who have accomplished and achieved monumental feats in the political arena, entertainment, journalism and much more. These are some who don’t qualify as what the world considers beautiful and who the world considers far from being the perfect woman. Ruth Graham,Sally Ride, Hilary Clinton, Rosa Parks, Sandi Patty, Aretha Franklin, Antonia C. Novello, Golda Meir, Coretta Scott King, Kate Smith, Oprah Winfrey, Kathy Bates,Janis Joplin, Mama Cass.
Any woman in a Ruben painting would be considered morbidly obese and at that time they were considered beautiful. I would have been a supermodel in the eighteenth century!
If you had to choose your own eulogy, how would you like to be remembered? Would you pick, “She was beautiful and perfectly coordinated, her accessories were appropriate for every outfit she wore. Her face was flawless; her smile was brightly lit with perfect teeth. She could run in stilettos, not that she needed to run, that would be so not lady like. She hardly ate because eating was extremely unnecessary for her and she valued her body and looks more than anything in the world. Her reason to live and dress in the morning was to please others and she lived to look good and to avoid the criticisms of others on her appearance. She didn’t read because that took too much of her time and she didn’t paint because it was too messy. You get the point.

Or would you rather people say this at your funeral;

She was a woman of substance. She loved others and she was kind. She gave to her community. She had integrity. She was not superficial. She was intelligent and contributed much to this world. She was approachable. She gave to others and she never expected anything back in return.This blog is long and I went on more than I thought I would but I’ve had it and when the next person comments on my appearance, I will make sure as delicately as I can ,to give them a piece of my mind because it is offensive. As a woman I will consider it my responsibility to teach other woman how to treat me and themselves and how to value a woman's heart and soul and not their outward appearance.

Distractions

2008-01-14T22:07:00.000-08:00

Monday, January 14, 2008

Distractions
I love to hear the tires of a car break through the wet road. My window shades are not exposing any outside view because it is only eight- fifty two in the morning and I have not fully risen for the day. The rythmic rubber on the wet road sound continues as a steady flow of traffic passes by my window. I dont have to see the vehicles to know which ones are driving past. The bus is the noisiest of all. I can hear the entire vehicular giant making noise with it's entire body, surprisingly, the trucks that drive through are much quieter but still sound heavier than the SUV or compact car. The rain and consistency of automobile sounds can never drown out the obnoxious steady, muffled and yet still loud enough to hear, beat of music behind the car windows of a youthful, wannabe bad a*s behind the wheel of his used but pimped up ride. A driver who prefers to drown out the pleasant relaxing sounds of nature for the artificial sounds coming out of his or her radio which sometimes include obscenities isnt very thoughtful. This is as confusing to me as watching a DVD in the backseat of a car. The car should be the tool that takes you out from indoors to your surroundings outside, so you can take it all in. It always amazes me how people choose to distract themselves from their everyday life. It is a constant steady stream of diversion that redirects our thoughts to the mundane or to the overwhelming circumstances we find hard to deal with in our lives. The interferances of others or ourselves help to make it easier for us not to have to confront any discomfort or heartbreaking situations that need to eventually be challenged,faced.The teen on the bus who clearly would rather the world around her hear her cell phone conversation about who kissed who and who wore what than to be quiet and possibly, unwillingly, display how insecure she really is. It would be difficult for that teen to sit quietly on a bus and likely expose her insecurities. Speaking on her cell phone helps when she can not don her best poker face. It is useful when she can't disguise how truly lonely, worried, scared or sad she really is. It's a distraction for the person on the cell phone and a distraction to those around her, it purposely disturbs any speculation the audience surrounding the caller may have about the teen herself and instead shifts any personal thought to a curiosity of the conversation or an annoyance of having to involuntarily be exposed to youthful gab and gossip. It is a distraction for her and a distraction for those around her. There are so many other ways to deflect from facing our everyday lives, other than the blasting car radio and the loud cell phone conversations. As human beings we have found numerous ways in which to sway our thoughts on our responsibilities, challenges and fears. There is the internet, email, blackberries, ipods and TV, just to name a few. The constant need to avoid, to veer off what we need to face is, I suppose, normal or rather commonplace but has this demand for distraction made us better or worse? Does the urge to ignore everyday life make us less worrisome and instead more equipped to confront our life situations? This morning, the first thing that was on my mind after waking from a sound sleep was that I had an appointment with my cardiologist. Today I will have a Holter Monitor put on and I will be shot up with persantine(sp?). So, what is the first thing I do. I distract myself. I don't want to face yet another test, so, after waking I brush my teeth and wash my face. The thought is still there. So I'll go back to bed and read my book but after a chapter my worries return. I close the book and listen to the outside sounds and I begin to get distracted. But there is still a sliver of concern lingering in my brain. I can't have that, so I grab my laptop and write about what I hear but the subject of external noise slowly becomes writing about my thoughts on distraction which then brings me back to my worry. The negative part of distraction is that it is temporary, sooner or later, obligated or mandatory, life is waiting to be faced. So, no matter how many tools of diversion you possess, you'll have to approach life head on, no distractions.The only thing that should distract me from worry is handing all my cares to God, who is in control , so really, there is no need to worry and thus no need for toy distractions.

Therefore, I will fix my eyes to the Father above knowing that with Him, nothing is impossible and I will cast my burdens over to Him.

What Makes Me A Christian?

2007-10-30T07:01:00.000-07:00

I have been observing the world around me, reflecting.
I decided an evaluation was necessary. I do this often and highly recommend it to others.
I asked myself this question, "What makes me a Christian?", and the obvious answer is because I am a Christ follower.

What does that mean?
Really?
Does that mean I must live a perfect life?
A life without sinning, sadness, anger, fear?

According to some around me, what makes a person a Christian is perfection. I must be perfect. I can not stray from the path in the slightest. Any infraction will cause me to lose my salvation and be condemned to Hell and damnation. That's pretty harsh. Things have been going on in my life that have caused me much sadness, fear and anger, does this make me less of a Christian?
There was a time when I wanted to die and now I am eager to live for Christ. I laugh a lot and but sometimes I am sad. I used to hold things in and try not to lash out in anger.
Many may say that perhaps my spiritual life is faltering and I need to work on it. Others may say that due to the circumstances that are surrounding me, my recent emotional ups and downs are normal for any human being Christian and Non-Christian.

Jesus Christ himself showed anger when the moneychangers were at the temple selling thier wares. He was appalled and said, "This is a house of Prayer" He knocked over the tables displaying the merchandise and told them to beat it(paraphrased) Matthew 21:11-13

If my anger is justified and due to some type of injustice then I suppose I can still be a Christian. If my anger is rooted from nothing, no reason at all then there is a problem. Being angry for the sake of being angry, bitter or resentful is not really Christ-like. The Bible shows me that Jesus was sad at times too. He cried just before His crucifixion. He cried when His friend Lazarus died. I think my emotions do not make me less of a Christian. A Christian will be angry at the abuse of others, injustice, discrimination and then do something about it.

What makes me a Christian is if I am truly saddened by the circumstances around me, The War, Darfur, child abuse,death.
What makes me Christian is if I, in some way or another to the best of my abilities do something about it, pray, donate time or money, protect, nurture or mourn.

The fact that things around me get me angry should not be judged. The fact that I cry because I am sad does not mean I have no hope left or that I no longer trust in God. It makes me more human. It makes me understand my world and the people in it even more, having gone through similar circumstances that cause certain emotions. I, personally am not edified or comforted by anyone who claims they never went through any drama in thier life and life is nothing but perfect for them. I find comfort in knowing people around me have gone through what I have gone through and survived.
I find it abnormal that a person can walk around self righteous,"perfect" without sin that attitude is just creepy. "Judge not lest thou be judged." "He who has no sin cast the first stone"

This is my favorite Bible story. Condensing the story; A woman was about to be stoned to death for adultery and they tried to justify this action but Jesus said, "He Who hath no sin cast the first stone." Go ahead if your perfect cast the stone. Of course no one did.

Just some thoughts

Teachers Vent at The Diner

2007-10-26T07:28:00.000-07:00

I went to the diner this morning. yes, after 20 days at home I went out. I can't take the Shut- in Life I thought I could so I don't think I am Agoraphobic after all. Anyway Hubby, Jake and I went to our favorite diner in B*y R*dge and at the table next to ours sat three miserable women. They talked so loud (or is it they spoke so loudly)as Brooklyn girls usually do (including myself) They talked about Bush and how he should be punished harshly. I'm not going to even tell you what they said, it was really bad.

They talked about husbands and all four women compared themselves to Kizzy from Roots. Nice I said sarcastically. Then they started talking about teaching and I said to myself "Oh God they're teachers!" All the while I am trying to distract myself and play with Jake but even he was annoyed by these women and kept turning back and giving them a death stare. His famous grill. They talked about their goal being that when their students see them in the hallway they should run in fear. They laughed. I got nauseaus. One of them talked about a F'n kid who bit her and how she had to go to the hospital to get tested, you know the girl was latina, so she could have had A.I.D.S That's when I asked as loudly as I could "Jacob quieres mas jugo?" (Jacob would you like some more juice?) They didn't even flinch. I continued eating my breakfast and tried to talk to my husband and whispered in spanish - that the women beside us are all miserable hags who teach helpless victims...I mean children. As always Hubby remained cool, calm and collected and tried to get me to calm down. I love him.

They talked about how much they hated their jobs and on and on blah blah blah. I wanted to tell them they did not realize how blessed they are so they should stop griping and if you are that miserable then quit and give the children of our future a darn break.

Teachers all gripe. We did. We griped about Curriculum reports, progress reports, faculty meetings, parents but rarely about the children and if the child was a problem we griped about how help wasn't coming fast enough.There's always that child that gets under your skin but we were never cruel like these teachers were/are But I can proudly say that I loved teaching and my friends who teach love it as well and respect the children they teach.

Then I went to B*st B*y with hubby to check out some computers. He is really having a hard time with them lately. He has a new flat screen and some B*se speakers and a new keyboard but the motherboard has to be replaced. We saw this cool PC from H*wlitt P*ckard . It was touch screen for about $2,000 It was very Minority Report but it's one piece monitor is attached to the system so if one thing fails you pretty much have to return the whole thing for repair. What was funny was that a computer guy from the store walks over to us and asked if we wanted to know more about it so my hubby asked a few computer Geek questions and the guy had a hard time answering. Then I asked about the sound and he said, "I'll show you."He went to Media Center and then he was lost. I said ,"Play music" and pointed to the option that read "play music" but he ignored me after several attempts and a lot of patience from hubby and I he touches (remember touch screen) "play music" but there is no sound. I reach across and touch the volume because I noticed it was on mute. He said, "no, that's not it." I said, "yes it's on mute see?" pointing to the speaker icon with the red circle and slash across, you know which one... you know the international symbol for "no sound". "No, that's not it." He says this time he is getting annoyed with me. I'm angry now and realize it's because I'm a girl and then I say one last time, "Yeah, It is on mute!" I get an elbow nudge from my hubby along with a smile, "Dejalo" (just leave it be) Another computer guy passes and sees the song title on the screen and says I love that song rev it up. The guy says he's having trouble with the sound and unplugs something from the computer while enthusiastic computer guy is investigating the computer. He says, "It's on mute." and touches the sound icon. " I say, "I'm going to go look at pretty things now because I'm a girl." and walk away.

Wrap it Up!

2007-10-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we celebrate Jakes b-day. My hubby and I got him some cool gifts.

Yay!

Fun!

Today I sent my youngest to get some gift wrapping. "How much do you need?," I asked. Then, I realized that I was shelling out money (and I'm not cheap) for something that will be ripped up in about five seconds and then discarded. What a waste! Especially since Jake is not going to remember the cute blue dog wrapping when he is grown up. He'll probably remember the gift but seriously now. It cost how much for wrapping four or five bucks? Then there's the cute bow, then the cute bag to put the cute gift wrapped in the cute paper that will go unnoticed by the cute kid.

The total will probably be somewhere like seven to ten bucks. Ten bucks can feed some people in some third world country. I hate that phrase "third world" but I digress.

Jake is not going to dress himself with the wrapping paper. He will not use it for shelter and he will not be nourished by it. What I'm trying to say is that he doesn't need the wrapping paper. It's a luxury, more for the grown ups than the child. The child just cares about what's under the wrapping. Gift wrapping is a waste. I have gone to plenty of parties and people ooh and ah about wrapping. The gift wrapping industry must be a money making machine and whoever came up with the whole colored ribbon held together with a staple is a genius and set for life, he or she along with his/her families...generations unless we can come up with something better.

I am not Silas Marner,(famous cheapskate) I will go all out for wrapping on Christmas because nothing says Christmas like shiny red, green, silver and gold wrapping. Ha!

I didn't have much growing up and when I had my first child, there was no baby shower or fuss. I remember getting a gift for my first born and it was the cutest outfit wrapped in the most precious paper. Cherubs all over the place, cute dimply plump ones, simply adorable. I was so touched that someone outside of my hubby and I acknowledged my baby and wanted to express their joy in her birth by giving a gift to my baby girl, and took the time to search for an outfit for her and then search for the perfect wrapping that I cut a piece of the wrapping out and saved it. I still have it. Really I do.

I save all my gift bags too. After saying "thank you" for my gift I always say something about the wrapping sometimes even before I open the gift I'll tell the giver of the gift that they will probably see the bag again because I will reuse it and I have a closet filled with gift bags. Some are so cute and some generic I use them as lunch bags or leftover bags for when Sofi or Debbie come over and take some food home with them. I used to meticulously unwrap gifts so that I could save the wrapping but many around me would grow impatient with my frugalness (is that a word?)

When did the whole gift wrapping thing start anyway? I have searched the internet for the answer to that question and have come up with nothing and I am a good internet researcher so if you know the answer, please share. Am I being too cheap? Am I getting too old? Am I being ridiculous because I haven't slept since the day before yesterday?

Im not sayin'. I'm just sayin'.

Rest in Peace Mama Sofia

2007-10-12T15:19:00.000-07:00

The day of the burial was bright and sunny and we were all donned with the appropriate black. Keeping in mind my mother in laws humble nature, I wore a black skirt and minimal jewelry and makeup. The service would begin at the church where she congregated all her life. The service was scheduled for ten so hubby and I were on the road by nine thirty it was a good fifteen to twenty minutes from the hotel. When we left the town of Aguadilla and drove into the small town of Moca, we realized that the traffic was bumper to bumper!!!!

Today of all days there seemed to be hundreds of cars. Because we were in a small town there was no honking, flipping the bird or cussing, so unlike your average traffic demeanor in Brooklyn. Drivers just seemed to drive slowly without making a fuss but my stomach was aching at the thought that we might miss the church service. Traffic was unusual around these parts so neighbors came out of their houses and stared at the traffic, puzzled. The cows stood as close to the barbed wire that protected them from the gravel road as they could. They also knew this amount of traffic was unusual. It was no help that every turn that we had to make was preceded by the same row of cars and then it finally dawned on me. "Could all these people be headed for the church too?", I asked and hubby admitted, "This could all be for Mama."

So we calmed down and sure enough when we reached our destination the rows of cars were seeking parking spots. The church parking lot was filled to capacity and neighbors were signaling all other drivers to use their driveways, which they offered up so readily. So we parked in a strangers lot.

Small towns:)

There was music blaring as we approached the church. Later I found out it was Mamas favorite hymn Beyond the Clouds-Mas Halla Del Sol.

This was a personal request for her funeral. I also found out she paid for her entire burial and had her outfit especially made by her daughter Miriam. When we arrived before the doors of the church, Mamas casket was before us and was ready to be brought in.

Amazing Grace now played, as my hubby and the other late arrivers marched slowly and reverently behind her until we reached available seating.

She was placed before the altar, casket opened and the pastor began to speak the usual funeral speak. There were women dressed in white who stood guard on each side of the casket and every now and then would change guard with other women who were sitting at the pews also dressed in white.

Sofia's grandaughter, hubby's niece, Johanny read the geneology and some anecdotes about Mama Sofia. There were tears, lots of them. Then the Pastor called each adult child of Sofia by name, to approach the casket, and say their final goodbyes.

But before that my hubby, the only pastor in the family shared some thoughts and biblical verses, then he reminded his siblings not to forget their father who still needed them. Father and Mama were divorced after he tried to cut her arm off with a machete, that'll do it. The scar ran from her wrist to just below her elbow. Why mention this? Because, about seven years ago, he gave his heart to Christ and has been a changed man ever since.

On her death bed Mama asked him for forgiveness and he broke down and sobbed like a baby saying that he should be the one asking for forgiveness. They both cried and held each other for a while.

Many of the children had not spoken to their father for years because of his abusive nature and so when the pastor asked Jose (the father) to stand by his wife's casket, it was a bit awkward. The pastor started with the oldest son, Jose jr. and his wife Maria and thier four children, Maritza, Lizbet, Chono and Macho (yes macho). They went forward and said their goodbyes with much tears.

Each of the seventeen brothers and sister, (the seventeen surviving adult children of Mama Sofia) and their families were called, some took the time to embrace their father as a sign that he was forgiven and he embraced them back and held his head humbly down, you could sense that he was very appreciative of the show of affection while at the same time very ashamed of his past actions.

When it was our turn...Johanny read, "Angel and his wife Debra. They have three children Sofia, Debbie and Angelica and their grandson Jacob." With that, we arose from the pew where we sat, waiting to say our final goodbyes and I lost it and started sobbing.

Hubby and I walked hand in hand to Mama, who laid in peace. I touched her ice cold hands expecting to feel warmth for some reason, but their was no life and so obviously no warmth in the hands that consoled me in the past and who held them towards her in prayer. The warm hands that held my three children and my grandson, her great grandson. The same warm hands that embroidered little outfits for my girls and made them cheese pastellillos when they were hungry. These hands were so cold and lifeless.

We returned to our seats and the service continued. Her great grandaughter, a soprano, sang ha hymn. She sounded like an angel. It was beautiful.

The casket was closed and then rolled out of the church and into the hearst and driven away to the burial site.

There was a caravan of over forty cars with just family not including friends and even the Mayor of Moca, (her hometown) The caravan was led by a police motorcade courtesy of the four grandchildren who worked for the police department. Her favorite song blasted from the car especially equipped with huge speakers to play her favorite hymn as we drove across town to the cemetary.

This time as we passed homes neighbors came out and held their heads down with reverance. There was mention of her death in the papers because she had made history as the only woman who bore twenty children, seventeen still living in the town of Moca.

At the burial sight, I stood amazed at the beauty that surrounded her. She was to be buried on a small hill , lush with bright green perfectly manicured grass overlooking beautiful mountains. Among the dignified tears were birds singing and a nice cool breeze.

My hubby was a pall bearer and seeing him carrying his mother was touching and I know it must have been very difficult for him.

The next day hubby and I returned, alone, to say our final goodbyes.

He spoke to Mama and I stepped back to give him his space and time with her. The flowers arranged on her grave were beginning to fade and dry. There was a vase of flowers that toppled over. Hubby picked it up and placed it on the foot of the gravesight began to straighten the ribbons containing the names of the loved ones. He cried again and said goodbye.

He is not sleeping much these days and tells me he has a big hole in his heart. I understand the loss of a parent so I know what he is talking about. How different the world suddenly becomes. It is so different and the emptiness is so obvious. I tell him that he'll never... not miss her but the pain does get easier to deal with but for now it is still very raw and it will take time.

I know the holidays to come will be hard and every milestone that he cannot share with his mother will be bittersweet. Time does ease the pain but it doesnt heal it but God certainly does provide us with a peace that passes all understanding and an enormous strength to see us through.

All About Me

2007-04-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

Warning: The Following is very narcissistic

When I taught second grade, there was a part of the curriculum called All About Me because seven year olds think of no one else but themselves. This is what they tell you in ed courses and curriculum workshops. I happen to think that is a little exaggerated. I think a seven year old could think and care about someone else. Anyway this isn't about seven year olds this is about me.

I tried to step outside of myself today and imagined what others thought of me. This reflection came about while I sat in church. The scripture reading was Luke 16:23 The rich man in Hades. I thought about the rich man in Hades for a bit. What did people think about him when he was alive.

When I looked up from my Bible I spotted Sister Margie looking at me, waving and smiling. Nice. I returned the smile. Then I started thinking about what she thought of me. I never spoke to her much but have known her since I was five years old. She was my Sunday School Teacher. Does she think I'm nice? Does she think I am super holy because I have been in church my whole life and because I am a pastor's wife? Does she think I am smart? This is not about me caring what other people think of when they see me it's more curiosity.

We all do it, we look at a person and make our assumptions about how we think the person is, what kind of life they lead, their likes and dislikes. We are sometimes surprised and this is a reminder for us not to make assumptions.

I never suspected my very conservative and demure friend, Jamaican Queen to be a Trekkie or Dad of twins to love R&B. A few teachers I have worked with would sit with me at yard and we would try to predict the futures of the children running around. We'd say things like,"He is going to work in construction. She will be in fashion design. He will need a therapist for the rest of his life. She will be a veterinarian." and so on.

What do I want people to think of when they see me? I want them to think I am smart. I want them to think I am trying to be a good Christian, a good mom, a good wife and a good friend. Not necessarily in that order. I want them to enjoy my singing and my art. But I don't want them to tell me to my face because it embarasses me. I want them to know that I am truly there for them if they are ever in need. I want them to know that I care even when it seems like I don't because I don't quickly react to their tears or rantings. I want them to know that I think about them a lot. I think too much my husband says. I think he's right but I can't help it.

A few years ago Beautiful Italian Mom Who Helps Boss was in distress and when she saw me she said,"Debbie, you are a praying woman ask St. Francis to help me find my wedding ring. I lost it." I quickly felt her distress and it took over me. This was soon after she lost her husband. So it was extra upsetting for her. When I went to the classroom it was all I could think of. Maybe she dropped it in the car, maybe she never put it on this morning. Maybe it fell down the drain!!! I prayed hard as I stuffed student folders and attended assembly and cut out scarecrows. Then there was a call for me on the intercom. "Ms. R please call the front desk." I immediately did and it was Italian Mom. "I found it, In the passenger seat of my car!"

I was so happy. I could carry on for the rest of the day without worry. Wow this seems like I am patting myself on the back but like I said I WANT people to think of me in the ways mentioned above.

I am just trying to be the best person I can be. Really. I can get angry (Don't laugh, I can). I cry too much about emotional things but won't cry when I am in pain. It takes a lot of pain to make me cry. I can be worrisome at times. I hurt very easily but at the same time I can be very, very strong. I can get hit by a van and not shed a tear but If you snap at me I become a big bowl of cry baby.

Many times people think I am reacting to something and they'll ask me what's wrong. I love people. I really do. I may be angry with them or irritated with them but I'll find something about them that reminds me of how they are still good. I think about my friends often and pray for their well being and their growth. I think of their comfort and pray that the changes in their lives are smooth transitions.

I try to eat but I am too embarassed to eat in front of my friends for fear of choking.

I am always surprised at my reflection in the mirror. It's never what I picture myself to look like.

I am an open book but believe it or not I have many, many secrets

I don't understand mean people. They hurt me even when their meanness is not directed at me. I love children but don't get too sappy about them. I mean cutesy. I talk to them as I would with any other person ,according to their level.

I miss my grandmother.

I cried at yard when my friend Welly moved away (We always had yard together)

I had more horrible experiences in my life before I was sixteen and after to devastate/ shatter. destroy the average human being.

I don't have super powers but I am resilient and resourceful.

I can't shake the belief that God Loves everyone not because I read it on a bumper sticker but because I feel it to be true.

I believe God knows that I am crazy and won't hold me accountable for my thoughts...sometimes LOL ...just kidding

I once took a test for geniuses that was taken at a book club. I didn't attend the book club meeting when the test was handed out. I was given the test the next day and scored very high which amazed the person who gave it to me because I got the answers alone in ten minutes when the book club members were divided into groups to do it and given more time. Don't be too impressed. I'm not bragging. I say this because I don't remember half of the things I am supposed to be so smart at.

I will ask a friend what "Equadistant" (sp?) means because I want to learn and then realize later on that I already knew what it meant.

I have read all of Shakespeares play but may recite four or five lines by heart and I have forgotten the plots of the plays but can suddenly remember what they are whenever my brain decides it's a good time.

I watched the Wizard of Oz over thirty times and know each line byheart.

I am a piler.I 'm clean and neat but I pile.

I can make a really good cup of coffee.

I can do a pretty good British accent.

I know a stupid amount of ridiculous trivia.

I can ramble on incessantly about myself and expect people to read my ramblings!!!

Jesus Camp

2007-03-27T12:52:00.000-07:00

Where do I begin? I have never been so livid during and after watching a movie/documentary. Listo had recommended this movie to me and I was trying to put it off. I have been catching up on my movie viewing and I finally saw it, with both regret and thankfulness. I regret it because I am so angry but I am also thankful that I have an opportunity to tell about another side of being Pentecostal. I am filled with fear, anger and confusion.

Luke 18:16 - But Jesus called the children to Him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." (NIV)

This verse clearly is demonstrative of God’s perception of children as innocent. So, their chances of going to Heaven are set. It is when we are old enough to make decisions, old enough to choose between right and wrong, developmentally able to understand the consequences of the evil we do, it is then, that we are held accountable and rightfully so.

The head of this Jesus Camp is a woman named Becky who scares the heck out of me, how much more a small, doe eyed, five year old? Her quotes are jaw dropping. “Bush has given Christianity credibility?” What!? She constantly spoke of the passion of radical Islamic children and how indoctrinated they are to be passionate for the cause and how Christian children should be just as passionate.
Children are passionate about Xbox, Barbies,Pokeman . It is a rare thing when a child is set off to minister. I do believe it occurs but it is something that is not seen very often. Jesus Christ preached at the temple when He was twelve but He, after all, is Christ.

There were so many things that set me off as a Christian, a mother, a grandmother, a teacher both in School and in Sunday school about this movie. Levi is a boy featured in this documentary and he just grew on me, mullet and all. His mother home schools him and there is a scene where she is yelling and asking him. “What are you going to say when your teacher says evolution is stupid!?” He is meant to have a quick fire answer, filled with intellect and profound in spirituality, an answer that will change the life of his teacher. No pressure. If I were him I would have answered, “I’d be shocked because you’re my teacher.” But I’m just a smart aleck.

Let the child be!

That's my short review of this documentary

I Tag Anyone who reads this

2007-03-27T07:58:00.000-07:00

My Autobiography-
Prologue-

1. Where did you take/get your default pic? No Default pic yet.

2. Exactly what are you wearing now? black yoga pants and an aqua pullover

3. What is your current problem? Getting all my medical stuff in order

4. What makes you most happy? God, my hubby and my girls and my grandson

5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to? Dont ask me why but the song from South Pacific is ringing in my head "There is Nothing Like A Dame." LOL

6. Has anyone you've been really close with passed away? yes

7. Do you like MTV? Not since I've grown up

8. Name something that annoys you about people: Their obnoxious use of cellphones! I don't need to hear their conversations and I don't like getting interrupted 10x during a conversation because they have to answer their cellphones!!!

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Chapter 1.

1.First name:Debra

2. Nickname(s):Mostly Debbie but it depends almost everyone has their own nickname for me

3. Current location: home/ Dining room

4. Eye color:Brown

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Chapter 2:

Family...

1. Do you live with your parent(s)?No

2. Do you get along with your parent(s)?yes, now I do, again because I've grown up

3. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? My father passed away in 1980 and my mom lives alone in Columbus, Ohio

4. Do you have any Siblings? I have 2 sisters and 1 brother and some step siblings but are they still considered sibling after a divorce

Chapter 3

Favorites...

1. Ice Cream: Carvel, vanilla with rainbow sprinkles

2. Season: Spring and Fall

3.Color(s): Greens and blues and purples (Ha! like a bruise)

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Chapter 4

Do You..

1. Write on your hand? I use to do it all the time,not anymore

2. Call people back? yes as soon as I remember

3. Believe in love? yes

4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed? yes

5. Have any bad habits? Heck yeah!

6. Any mental health issues? who doesn't?

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Chapter 5

Have You...

1. Broken a bone? never

2. Sprained stuff? my ankle

3. Had physical therapy? no

4. Gotten stitches? yes...many

5. Taken pain killers? you betcha!

6. Gone SCUBA diving or snorkeling? I'm Puerto Rican we rarely scuba dive or snorkel

7. Been stung by a bee? no

8. Thrown up at the dentist's office? no

9. Sworn in front of your parents? yes and paid for it dearly LOL

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Chapter 6

Who/What was the last...

1. Movie you saw? Eagle Eye

2. Person to text you? Pastor Gaspar to give me a phone number

3. Person you called? My insurance company

4. Person to tackle you? my hubby

5. Thing you touched? the keyboard

6. Thing you ate? I've only drank coffee this morning

7. Thing you said? "What time will you be home today, Angie?"

8. Had a detention? Yeah LOL crazy

9. Been sent to the principals office? yes

Rejection

2007-03-22T14:45:00.000-07:00

I think the reason why I haven't sent out my book again is because I have no feedback. I am so insecure about my writing. I need constant "okays", otherwise I feel like I am doing something I horribly wrong and I imagine that when my book lands in the hands of a publisher, he/she will call everyone into thier office and the publisher will read a couple of my paragraphs and have a great laugh ending with the publisher sighing in aggravation, "Everyone thinks they can write" and then he/she will toss my book into the wastepaper basket, followed by a styrofoam coffee cup holding a small amount of coffee in it. The remains of the beverage will roll onto the book, smearing it's title. The book will lay in the wastepaper basket in a totally pathetic and undignified position until the janitor picks it up at the end of the day.

He will be intrigued and will sit to read it. He will grab the cloth rag hanging on the side of his maintenance workers uniform. He'll wipe the coffee off of the title page, look around to make sure no one spots him slacking off then he'll sit on the plush, leather publisher's chair and begin to read but he'll become quickly bored and say, with a smirk on his face, "Everyone thinks they can write."

Then he'll reach into the bottom of his cleaning cart and take out a stack of copied paper enclosed in a manila envelope. It is his book titled, "Maintaining my life". He will place it on the top of the pile of manuscripts, on the publishers desk.

The next morning the publisher will it up and begin to read it. He will be totally entranced and riveted by the book and will call his assistant to find the author of the book. The assistant willnod in obedience and rush out of the office to perform the task of tracking down the writer. The publisher will then smile like a cheshire cat and will be pleased that he has the next best seller in his possession.

2007-03-19T12:49:00.000-07:00

There are so many things that I have forgotten lately and then there are things that stand out in my memory.
Things like; My first kiss. My first love and the first time I met my friends. I remember my dad sleeping on the sofa and my mom sitting beside him while I was lying down on the cold linoleum covered floor. I must have been three or four. I had a Bic pen in my hand and was very excited about it. I smelled the Bic and stared at the ink and the small bubble surfacing in the clear plastic tube. I had a newspaper before me. It was open and I had circled all the letter A's I could find. I knew it was the letter A but I did not know how to read. There were so many A's! It seemed as if every word needed an A. I soon gave up and started to look for other letters.
It must have been summer because the coolness of the linoleum felt refreshing. I had nothing on but my shorts and my hair was wild. I looked like one of those sponsored children on TV sans the flies circling around me.
I have an older brother and sister but I do not know where they are in this memory. In my memory everything is gray; my mother's housecoat, the sofas and the stained wallpaper. If I were able to travel through time and I stand in that room I could tell you that there was a sadness in the room but not for the little girl in the room, she was oblivious to those feelings and lost in her world of letters.
How do I know that? How do I know for sure that my mother and father were not happy if I was oblivious? They say, a child can see and feel things that others can't? But then why was I not concerned?

Another memory is a dark green telephone on the table in front of me in Ms. Blumsteins class. It is a huge and intimidating piece of equipment and when I pick it up the reciever is very heavy. It is kindergarten and we are learning how to use a phone. We are supposed to know our phone number and address. My teacher, Ms. Blumstein, had assigned the class to memorize both. Ms Blumstein was tall and skinny and wore a really tight bun. She wore long skirts and seemed nice but I was frightened of her anyway. She was going around the room and asking us to recite our address and dial our phone number. We had to announce our home number before dialing. I was so scared of forgetting when it was my turn so I kept saying the number under my breath so when I was called I would know it. It must have been traumatic for me because I still remember the number. It was 633-3966 but I don't remember what I wore yesterday. Too funny. Anyway, in my memory, it was difficult for me to dial the numbers my fingers kept slipping. It was very hard to pull the rotary dial with my small fingers. For a very long time I had a recurring dream that I needed to make a phone call. It was a life or death csituation but every time that I was almost done dialing, my finger slipped and I had to redial again and would become inpatient, frightened and anxious when the highest number took forever to dial. I would wait for the familiar click before dialing the next number. It seemed to take forever. Those dreams ended when touch tone was invented.
I remember snack time in kindergarten and assembly. I remember the smell of tempura paint. A smell I still find comforting today when I walk into a classroom. I remember Elmer's paste and how I had to unscrew the top which was connected to a wand and that wand was what you used to apply the paint on the surface you wished to adhere. I remember how tasty the paste looked but I never tasted it, unlike my classmate Barbara who ate paste and crayons. I also remember always feeling as if I was outside of my body when I was little as if I was on the outside looking in and I wonder why that is. Nothing much to this blog entry but my rambling about things I remember there are lots more memories but I am getting tired. It is twelve midnight and I should start trying to sleep and maybe if I close my eyes and relish in my memories I could have a restful slumber.

Insomnia

2007-03-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

Last night I couldn't sleep so at about two in the morning I took three Advil PM's and my other meds and tried to sleep. Hubby was sound asleep and his snoring mocked me. I look over at him and his mouth is wide open and I think "Gee, I love this big pain in the butt." I get closer to him and smell his shirt, it's a cozy familiar smell that makes me feel secure. He moves a bit and with his eyes closed he pulls me over to him and I pull away because I'm not ready to sleep yet.
The wind is moving the curtains in my room and the breeze feels cool at first but then it gets too cold and I get up and put a sweatshirt on but I'm still cold. I get closer to hubby and put my cold feet on his very warm feet and they feel better but I am still cold. I look at the clock it is close to three. I close my eyes tight and try to keep my mind at ease, try to avoid thinking too much . I fall asleep.
After a while the familiar feeling is rising in my esophagus and I quickly get up. I'm choking again. I run to the bathroom and try to vomit. I wash up and go back to bed and try no to fall asleep because I will choke again if I lie down. I sit up and eventually fall asleep with 4 pillows behind me.
The phone rings at 10:30 this morning the Advil Pm is still in affect. I pick up the phone and it's a friend I havent spoken to in a while.
Hello
Hey
Who's this?
Has it been so many years you don't recognize my voice?
(I recognize her voice)
I hang up, turn and go back to sleep. I don't care.
She'll call back and I'll tell her I was too sleepy to talk.
I can't go back to sleep because I feel guilty that I hung up on her.

I never hang up on anyone...well...maybe that one other time.
I get up resentful of the interruption and am quickly attacked by my famished cat.
I stumble to the kitchen cupboard, no cat food!!!
I go to the fridge and pour some milk into his bowl , that ought to hold him.
I throw myself on the sofa and turn on channel seven, Rachel Ray is wrapping up , she is so...very animated
She looks at the camera and waves "See you when I see you!" Credits roll. It's over. I watch The View and listen to the hot topics and get all huffy when I hear the ladies. One panelists says after a debate on torture tactics by Americans in Guantanemo Bay, "Our country is better than others, anyway."
What!!!???
I get up and ignore the cackling hens. I am irritable and apologetic. I need to pray and for some odd reason I am avoiding it. As we all do, we procrastinate when we know that the only reason we are restless and cranky and can't sleep is because we need to pray.

After brushing my teeth with a new toothpaste, mmm pleasant., I make myself a cup of hot cocoa then surf the net, looking up W*ndows V*sta complaints, pages and pages of links on the pain in the neck of W*ndows V*sta.
This is my morning.
I bet your lives are more complete after this play by play.
Admit it